Certifiably Frightening
by Grim and Mogget
Summary: In which Zoe, esteemed writer of cliches, finds that Draco and Harry don't look like the actors (horrified gasp), Transfiguration is a HARD subject, and dreams about pudding are in no way prophetic. Sometimes you have to learn the hard way.
1. Follow the White Rabbit

All right, I'm back again, this time with a chapter fic. (Cue cheers…NO, I didn't pay people to act excited!)

I know there are a thousand Mary Sue parodies out there, but this one is much, much different. Mostly because it isn't a one-shot, and also because my character isn't really a Mary Sue herself, but a writer of one: she's just about to learn the consequences of creating such evil, by seeing firsthand just how hard life at Hogwarts really is. There could be no perfect character in that setting – it would just ruin the fun of it all, as Zoe will discover. Anyway, it's kind of random, but I promise it has a plot and that Zoe is as human as can be. Perfectly harmless, so don't worry about packing Anti-Sue spray or anything. ;)

But enough rambling! Read and see for yourself. Harry Potter and the associated characters are the property of J.K. Rowling. Zoe is mine…_someone_ has to own her. Enjoy!

Certifiably Frightening 

_Follow The White Rabbit_

Zoe Walker sighed as she watched the credits roll to the haunting, beautiful music at the end of the movie Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. She had bought the movie that morning and had watched it three times back-to-back. Never mind the fact that the movie was completely different from the book – she hadn't exactly read them all. She'd gotten halfway through the third book, but then the movie for it had come out and…well, who wouldn't like just watching it instead?

Regardless, the movie had inspired her, and as Zoe switched off her DVD player she made her decision.

"I am going to write a fanfic," she declared to the room at large, which happened to be empty except for herself, her furniture, and all the junk lying on the floor. She strode over to her computer, switched it on, and waited impatiently for it to boot up. As she waited, she spun around a few times on her rolling chair and considered the masterpiece that was taking shape in her head.

It would be a romantic story, this was obvious. And who better for the starring female role than, well, herself? Who didn't love a self-insert? And she was fairly confident in her writing ability. After all, she'd written a few stories before, and everyone had practically _begged_ her to continue.

Except for the people who criticized her grammar and said her character was too perfect and two-dimensional, but who listened to them, anyway? They obviously had no lives if they spent them looking for run-on sentences.

Finally her background popped up on the computer, and she opened a Word document. She paused for a minute before launching into the first paragraph, which quickly grew to a page as Zoe described her character (who was really herself, just a little…enhanced). Her character's name was Zephyra, she had waist length curly blonde hair and beautiful, royal blue eyes that carried the shadows of a haunted past. Her porcelain skin was fair, and her body was slender, but appropriately curvy.

Since Zoe wanted it to be more of an adult fiction, and stories with fourteen-year-olds didn't have the amount of romance she wanted, she made it so that they were all in their fifth year. It started out with Zephyra sprinting through the corridors, almost late for her Charms class. But look! The staircase she was on had started shifting when she was just halfway up! It was no problem for Zephyra though, who, besides being extremely beautiful, intelligent, and all-around nice, was a terrific athlete.

The lovely blonde sprinted up the rest of the staircase and leaped, landing as gracefully as a cat on the landing the stairs had just shifted away from entirely. She flipped her hair out of her eyes and smiled a little to herself before starting off for her class again…

Zoe smiled happily to herself. This was an awesome start – who else could put suspense into something like going up the stairs? No one, that's who. Save for herself, of course.

The afternoon dwindled away as she wrote and wrote, going into details about Zephyra's tragic past, which consisted of abusive, neglectful parents, who made her life miserable despite the fact that she lived in a gorgeous mansion with an enormous pool, dreams about Death Eaters (and Zoe made a mental note that they would be prophetic dreams – she liked the idea of Zephyra being a Seer), and a distant threat from Voldemort, for reasons Zephyra wasn't sure of.

But Zoe knew exactly what it was, since she was the author. Harry (who Zoe pictured as Daniel Radcliffe, because he was, in her opinion, extremely _hot_) would fall in love with Zephyra, the beautiful Gryffindor outcast, and Voldemort knew that this would be. The Dark Lord, therefore, planned to get to Harry through Zoe – or Zephyra, rather – so the poor girl was in constant danger. Only in Hogwarts was she even a little safe, because Death Eaters watched her every move, waiting for the right moment to capture her and draw Harry to them.

"It's perfect," she said aloud. "No one's ever thought of something like _this_ before."

She finished her first chapter and got on the internet, going straight to a fanfiction site and posting the story under her penname, PinkZoe84, without bothering to proofread, since that would delay the appearance of her great work of art.

The story appeared under her penname almost immediately, and Zoe left the window up so that she could see the moment she got any reviews. In the meanwhile, she tried to distract herself, when really she was glancing eagerly at the screen every five seconds to see if anyone had read the story yet.

Soon she grew bored, and a little frustrated.

"Doesn't anyone appreciate genius?" she muttered, seeing that she still had no reviews. She refreshed the screen, but to no avail. So she refreshed the screen again. And again.

And then, to her immense delight, she saw that she'd gotten her first review! With a wide grin, she went to the review page to see who'd sent it, but there wasn't a name. Shrugging, she read the review, and then her brow furrowed in confusion.

_'Follow the white rabbit.'_

What?

_What?_

Her first review and it's some idiot's idea of a joke? Wasn't the whole point of a review to comment on some aspect of the _story_? Whoever left this had to be a real –

Her jaw dropped.

There, in the middle of her computer screen, was a rabbit. Not a real rabbit, but a white cartoon one, that was blocking half the screen and hopping up and down on the spot.

"Oh, great!" she sputtered, when she tried to move it out of the way only to find that it wouldn't budge, and that now she couldn't click on anything else, either. "It's probably a virus. Some idiot went and stole lines from 'The Matrix', and then gave me a white rabbit virus!"

She slapped the rabbit on the screen in irritation.

And that's when it got interesting.

Instead of a 'thunk' and the sensation of hitting her solid screen, her hand slipped right through, the edges of the rabbit shimmering oddly. And then it wasn't a rabbit anymore, but a white blob that expanded until it filled her entire screen, and then beyond. And it was pulling her forward.

"Hey…hey!" she yelled, trying to scoot back, but it was as if she was being sucked into a massive, powerful vacuum. Her forearm disappeared, and then her entire arm, and soon her entire upper body was being drawn into the…well, she wasn't sure what it was, but it was definitely scaring her.

She tried to scream, but the sound seemed to be sucked in along with everything else. Soon she was all the way in and was falling, falling, clawing at the air above her, staring in the direction she'd come from, the air rushing around her petrified form into an endless chasm swirling with color…

Until a hard, stone floor rushed up to meet her.

-

An indeterminable amount of time later, she woke up. She was aching badly all over her body. Her head, in particular, seemed like it was about to explode, or at least fall off because of all the throbbing.

"Owww…" she moaned, lifting a hand to the top of her skull and kneading it gently. It only increased the pain, so she stopped and settled for cradling it carefully.

"Welcome back to the land of the living," an amused voice said, and her eyes snapped open.

At first she was blinded by the light all around her, a harsh opposite of the darkness she'd been swimming in until now, and then things started to come into focus. For the first time she noticed she was lying on something warm and soft – a bed, upon closer inspection – and that there were rows of beds extending quite a distance back towards a stone wall, which was lined with shelves that were stacked with vials and plants.

Then she turned her gaze to the other side, where an old man was seated in a chair and was watching her, his blue eyes twinkling behind half-moon spectacles. Well, that was nice, that someone was watching her until she woke up…wait.

Her computer! The bloody, damnable thing had sucked her right into it! And she was only waking up in this bed because she'd been knocked unconscious when she experienced unwanted, forceful contact with a stone floor!

Was that a hallucination? Was she insane? And where the hell was she? Oh, God!

She was hyperventilating, her hands were clutching spasmodically at the white blankets on the bed, her vision started to blur as her mind continued to fill with horrified thoughts and more and more mysteries.

"Miss Walker, I'm sure you have plenty of questions. But please, do attempt to calm down."

"Calm down? _What do you mean, 'calm down_'MY COMPUTER JUST _ATE_ ME!"

She paused. All things considered, that was a really, really stupid thing to say. This didn't look like a computer's stomach…er…not that it had one.

"I assure you that is in no way what happened," the wizened man said, a hint of laughter in his voice. Laughing. At her. When she had a migraine and she was probably hallucinating. The nerve! But he was continuing to speak, seemingly blithely unaware of her indignation.

"What did happen is that you've been brought into the very world that you had just written about," he told her, looking pleased with himself. "It took an extraordinary amount of energy and a strange spell indeed – something involving a white rabbit – but, that aside, here you are."

"Wha…?"

Her head was spinning again, and he seemed to notice her utter lack of comprehension.

"I mean, dear girl, you've been brought into the world of Harry Potter. This is the result of your…I believe you call it 'fan fiction'? You see, in writing a story in which you more or less inserted yourself, you've opened the barrier into what you had always imagined was a fictional realm."

"You mean…I'm in Harry Potter?"

"More accurately, you're in the infirmary. You were found lying unconscious in the corridor. Of course, it was obvious what had happened."

"It was?"

"Oh, yes. I can tell you, I know my students. I would have recognized you instantly had you always been here."

"But how did I open the barrier here?"

"As I've said before, it was self-insertion. What else could happen but this world be forced to accommodate you?"

Ah.

"How'd you know my name?"

"Your profile," he said promptly, and flicked a long, flexible wand. Two sheets of paper appeared, which he handed to her, and on inspection she found that everything she had written in her bio on was there. She was more startled by the wand and the appearance of the papers, however, than the information they contained.

"I have to be dreaming," she muttered, but Dumbledore – it had to be Dumbledore, if she was in Harry Potter – shook his head firmly.

"No. I imagine your pain seems quite real enough. If you had been hallucinating, or dreaming, you wouldn't be able to feel the after-effects of such a rough landing."

He smiled benevolently at her, and she clutched the sides of the mattress in a rush of dizziness.

"Then I'm really…really here?"

"Obviously," the headmaster said with another small smile. Zoe felt a grin stretch across her face, straining the muscles due to its size.

_Oh my God! I'm in Harry Potter! Oh, sweet Fate! You've chosen to side with me at last! YES!_

If she hadn't been so sore, she might have actually got up and danced. Dumbledore watched cheerfully as her exultation unfolded on her face. She put her hands to her head and laughed, then winced at the needles of pain it sent through her skull.

Then she noticed her hair. She stopped grinning, a bemused frown taking over her expression.

"What the…?"

Instead of dirty-blonde and stopping at her shoulders, her hair was now much, much longer. It hung to about her waist, and the shade had turned to a much lighter yellow than it had been before. She held up her hands in front of her face – her fingers were much more slender, and her skin was oddly smooth.

"What's going on? What happened to me?"

For the first time a small note of fear made its way into her tone. Dumbledore conjured up a mirror for her, which she looked into anxiously.

She screamed and thrust it away from her, hands flying up to the sides of her now unnaturally smooth face.

She was…she was…

"I might have mentioned that you've taken on the appearance of your character. She is you, although you seem to have made a few adjustments," Dumbledore told her calmly. Zoe's suddenly deep blue eyes were widened in amazement. Now that the shock was wearing off a bit, she found she was even more excited than before.

She wasn't just an average-looking fourteen-year-old anymore. She was gorgeous! She was like a model, without all of the airbrushing and alterations!

"Wow!" she exclaimed happily, holding out a long lock of hair and examining it happily.

"Yes, your appearance has altered, although not so much as to make you look older than you actually are."

Zoe noticed that her chest and hips weren't quite as…developed as she'd imagined Zephyra's being. Dramatically less, in fact. Still, it didn't bother her all that much, not when she looked like _this_.

"This is awesome!"

"I might also add that while you are a witch, you haven't gained any extraordinary talents or intelligence. You're as informed as you would have been had the real you been here for four years, working as you would in an ordinary school."

Zoe shrugged. Whatever, just having a wand and all the other stuff was fine with her. She frowned in sudden realization, though.

"Wait, what about books and things?"

"The majority of your supplies are in your dormitory; the rest are in your bag," he said, indicating the black, one-strapped bag by the side of the bed. Zoe pulled it eagerly onto the bed and gasped at the things that were inside. There was the _Standard Book of Spells, Grade 4_, _A Beginner's Guide to Transfiguration_, and _Defensive Magical Theory_, along with parchment, quills, and a bottle of ink. She was grinning like a maniac again.

"I'm really going to be taking classes!' she squealed. "I can't believe it!"

Dumbledore patted her shoulder and stood.

"I think it's best if you stay here overnight," the headmaster told her while staring at her over the top of his spectacles. "Madame Pomfrey will be delighted to give you a potion that will ease the soreness from your fall, and tomorrow morning Professor McGonagall will show you to your dormitory and you can gather your things."

The headmaster turned to leave, and Zoe blurted out, "What should I tell everyone else?"

The headmaster turned and gave her a quizzical look.

"What do you mean?"

"Won't everyone wonder why I've just shown up out of nowhere?"

"It's been seen before," Dumbledore said, waving a hand dismissively, "Although almost all of your predecessors have left by now."

"Left?"

But he was gone. She shook her head in confusion. Who would want to leave Hogwarts? This was a chance many would die for, if they only knew that it was possible! What a bunch of wimps!

"Well, _I'm_ staying," she said aloud, and Madame Pomfrey smiled grimly at her as she handed her a vial of blue liquid, which Zoe imagined was to ease the pain left over from the her hard landing in the magical world.

"That's what they _all_ say, dear," the mediwitch told her flatly. "Well, drink up."

-

a/n: Just a few things – first, I made up the penname PinkZoe84. Although it doesn't appear that anyone on this site has this name, I just thought I'd say that I'm in no way pointing anyone out. Also, and I'll be saying it in the second chapter too, Zoe is in her fourth year, and Harry and crew are in their fifth. So this will be taking place in the fifth book, although I can safely say that this is dramatically AU. Hopefully this will be enjoyable anyway.

And, just a random observation, there's a lovely little button down there that you could push to tell me what you think. I appreciate constructive criticism a lot, people, so if you told me what you liked and didn't like I'd love you forever. Thank you!


	2. Daniel Radcliffe vs Harry Potter

Wow! This was received extremely well – I'm very pleased. Many, many thanks to everyone who was kind enough to review: you're amazing! To answer some of the questions in the reviews: Zoe's name is still Zoe, and not the name she gave her Mary Sue character, and she'll worry about her parents eventually, but there's an explanation for why she can be at Hogwarts and not have her family wonder. And Lady Pyrefly, I think you must have read my old fic 'Psychic BS', and then put me on your author alert. I removed it, obviously, but I'm glad you found this one, too!

I hope that helps, and that all of you enjoy this chapter! Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, and are used by me with lots of respect.

Certifiably Frightening 

_Daniel Radcliffe vs. Harry Potter_

Zoe was never one to stay enthralled with the same view for very long, and the walls of the Hospital Wing were no exception. A few students had come in, but none of them were canon characters she recognized, and none of their ailments were interesting at all. In fact, the closest one had gotten to fascinating was a boy who had leeks sprouting out of his ears…but that was really more disgusting than anything else. Needless to say, she was grateful when Professor McGonagall came to collect her the next morning so she could show Zoe to her dormitory.

The stern, bespectacled woman regarded her indifferently, choosing to nod curtly rather than smile at the newcomer. She strode swiftly through the nearly empty corridors (only a few ghosts drifted by, glancing briefly at Zoe as they went) and up a few flights of stairs, Zoe barely managing to keep up with her even at a trot.

"Hey," she puffed as McGonagall started up yet _another_ staircase, "What floor is the common room _on_, anyway?"

"The seventh," the professor responded, arching an eyebrow at Zoe, who had groaned loudly in displeasure. The seventh floor? That was a lot of stairs! And McGonagall was flying up them like they were nothing! She had to be getting up there in years, but she was in better shape than Zoe herself, which was frankly embarrassing.

"How do you find your way around?" she gasped once she'd reached a landing, stumbling forward to catch up with McGonagall, who was practically halfway down the next hallway already.

"You learn the layout of the school fairly quickly," McGonagall told her dismissively without slowing her stride. Zoe panted beside her as they turned left, finally coming to a halt in front of an enormous portrait of an equally enormous lady, all decked out in the frilliest, pinkest dress she'd ever seen. If she hadn't been gasping for breath, she might have made a catty remark.

It was a good thing she didn't, however, since the fat lady in the portrait was perfectly capable of taking offense, and making her angry wasn't the best way to try to gain entrance into the common room.

"Good morning, Professor McGonagall," the Fat Lady said politely, though her tone grew more authoritative when she asked, "Password?"

"Crimson banners," McGonagall answered easily, and the portrait swung open to admit them both. Zoe's eyes went wide at the sight of the common room.

It was very large, comfortable-looking, and decorated in red and gold, of course. In the early morning the fire had burned down low, but the sunlight seeping in through the windows illuminated the circular room nicely. Two polished, mahogany doors were set on opposite sides of the room, and McGonagall gestured towards the one to the left.

"That staircase leads to your dormitory," she told Zoe. "Look for the fourth years' door, and your things will be in that room by your bed.

Today is a Monday, by the way" McGonagall continued as she began to head towards the portrait hole again, "In case you were disoriented."

Zoe blinked; she had, in fact, forgotten what day it was. It must be earlier than she thought if everyone was still asleep.

"Thanks, Professor," she blurted out as McGonagall stepped through the portrait hole. She earned another short nod, and the Fat Lady's picture closed over the entrance again.

Monday. It made sense, of course – she had been drawn into this world two days ago, on a Saturday. She'd been out cold for the better part of Sunday, and then she'd stayed overnight. Perfectly logical.

"I can't believe I've already wasted so much time," Zoe muttered. "I could've explored a little and met some people, but _nooo_…I had to take a disgusting potion and stay in the Hospital Wing."

She remembered the leeks and shuddered. What on earth had that boy done to have something like that happen to him? There'd better not be anything like that happening to her.

She wound a long, light blonde strand of curly hair around her index finger, studying it with renewed happiness. Of all the perfect things that could have happened to her…good thing she had made Zephyra so pretty! Harry would fall at her feet!

Smiling widely at the prospect, she opened the door that led to the girls' dorms, revealing a stone staircase.

"What, more stairs?" she wondered aloud with a frown. Apparently the inhabitants of Hogwarts had something of a fetish for them. She wondered vaguely if she should introduce the concept of escalators. She climbed up the steps and found herself in a hallway. She located the door that led to the fourth years' dorm and pushed it open gently.

The inhabitants of the room were all asleep, presumably: the hangings around their beds were all closed. Her bed was at the far end of the room, next to a window that looked down on the wide, sprawling grounds and parts of the Forbidden Forest. She planned to ignore the 'Forbidden' part of the title. After all, what good was getting thrown into the world of Harry Potter without a little adventure? It wasn't like there was anything that dangerous, in there, right?

For anyone else, a little conscience-y voice would have answered 'Wrong'. Zoe, however, had her question answered only with silence, which satisfied her well enough.

She moved away from the window and sat on her bed, banging her heel carelessly against the footboard. Her trunk was sitting by her nightstand. She realized suddenly that she should probably change her clothes: the ones she was wearing were rumpled and dirty from her collision with the floor yesterday. She opened her trunk, the lid of which hit the wall with a loud bang. Instantly there was rustling behind several of the curtains, and a few irritated faces poked out.

"Keep it down," a girl with short, dark hair and rounded features said sharply. "It's too early for that."

Zoe, however, was distracted by the sight of a girl with tangly, bright red hair and ginger eyes.

"Ginny?" she asked disbelievingly. Was she really in the same dorm as GINNY WEASLEY, sister of RON WEASLEY, best friend of _HARRY POTTER_?

Ginny frowned at her in confusion.

"Do I know you?"

There was a pause in which Ginny took in her appearance, and realization spread across her freckled face. She closed her eyes and sighed.

"Oh. You're one of them."

"Huh?"

'One of them'? What was she talking about? The other girls, those who had bothered to look for the source of the disturbance, looked like they understood, and with a disgusted shake of her head the girl who had told her to be quiet earlier wrenched the hangings around her bed shut. Another girl with mousy brown hair and pale blue eyes sighed in imitation of Ginny before retreating a bit more gently.

"What do you mean?" Zoe asked Ginny before she could disappear too.

"_You_ know," the redhead told her, her brown eyes holding a glimmer of contempt, "An insert. It's pretty obvious. Excuse me for now, though – I'm going back to sleep."

"All right," Zoe said faintly, and Ginny disappeared behind the crimson curtains around her bed as well. Zoe looked at the closed curtains on all the beds with pursed lips. What kind of warm Gryffindor welcome was _that_? It was like they all instantaneously disliked her or something. Zoe had been under the impression that Ginny was really nice and kind of timid, judging by the second book. The things you learn about people. Zoe shook her head sadly and dug through her trunk for some normal clothes.

No, Zoe decided as she pulled a pink T-shirt over her head, smoothing out her now long, gently curled hair before slipping on a pair of relatively normal jeans, Ginny must have just been tired. She had been woken up pretty early, after all. Zoe's watch read six thirty in the morning – _she_ certainly wouldn't have gotten up at this hour should she still be at home.

She wondered what to do about breakfast. She wasn't starving, and she didn't want to go down alone (how was she supposed to find the Great Hall by herself, anyway?) so she decided she'd look through her schoolbooks and wait for everyone else to get ready so she could eat with them. That is, if they didn't act like they had been when Ginny said Zoe was one of 'them'. So Dumbledore was right…there really had been people like her here before. Had they done something to make everyone else dislike them? Was that why the girls had acted so strangely? Hmm.

Zoe was struggling to understand the concept of a Summoning Charm, which she was reading about in _The Standard Book of Spells, Grade 4_, when the other girls began to wake up and get ready. Zoe looked up and smiled brightly at them as they climbed out of bed, but only Ginny even nodded at her in return. Zoe's grin dimmed and faded. This was somewhat disheartening.

And she wasn't the only one being ignored, she realized with a jolt as she looked around somewhat desperately for a friendly face. The girl in the bed next to her was shrinking against the wall as if afraid of the other girls, scooping up some clothes and diving behind her hangings in the space of about two seconds. Zoe only caught a glimpse of amazingly long, pure-white hair and wide amber eyes before the hangings were closed, blocking the strange girl from her view.

"Hey," she said, trying to catch the other girls' attention.

"Hmm?" the girl with short, dark hair responded gruffly.

"Um…is she – the girl behind the hangings, I mean – is she…?"

"An insert like you?" the dark haired girl asked bluntly, turning to look at her. "Yeah."

"Oh," Zoe said quietly, flinching under the girl's hard stare. She wasn't completely deterred, though, and asked, "What's your name?"

"Emily," was the short reply, and the girl with brown hair from earlier spoke up for the first time, saying, "My name's Morgan. And I think you know Ginny already."

"I'm Zoe."

"Right."

The girls dispersed rather quickly. Zoe was about to follow them, but her eyes were drawn to the closed hangings. She walked up to them and said, "Hello?"

First no one answered, but then a small voice asked in a whisper, "Did they all leave?"

"Yes," Zoe told her, perplexed by the question. "Why?"

The girl behind the hangings wrenched them open and looked around, clearly relieved. Zoe was taken aback by her appearance. The girl was astonishingly pretty, her white hair thick and straight and reaching her hips, and her face was delicately structured.

"Why?" she asked, her voice a little bolder, "Because I can't come out with them around is why! Can't you tell they hate me? They hate everyone like us!"

"What are you talking about?" Zoe sputtered, thrown by the outburst. How could they hate this girl? How could _anyone_ hate this girl? Well…there was one way.

"Oh," Zoe said knowingly. "Did you steal one of their boyfriends or something?"

Now it was the other girl's turn to look disbelieving.

"Are you kidding? When I said 'they', I meant _everyone_. Boys, too."

Zoe shook her head, giving the girl a strange look.

"Who are you?" she asked, for lack of a better question.

"I'm Bella Lyons. I came here two weeks ago, and I'm _this close_ to leaving!"

Bella held up her thumb and index finger about a centimeter apart to demonstrate. Her amber eyes were wild and distressed.

"What?" Zoe exclaimed, flabbergasted. "Why on earth would you want to leave? It can't be _that_ bad! So what if the other girls aren't nice to you – I'm sure there are lots of distractions, like classes. I can't _wait_ to start classes."

Bella shook her head at Zoe's enthusiasm.

"Are you _kidding_? The classes are terrible! Even my old math class wasn't as hard as Herbology, and that's supposed to be the easiest subject! I'm probably failing just about everything right now."

"I'm sure all it takes is practice."

"No, it's because I wasn't here for the past three years! I'm not used to using a wand or saying the spells. Do you know how hard they are to pronounce? You need background to be able to do well at all, and I don't have it. Neither do you – just watch. You're going to hate it as much as I do."

"Well, if you hate it," Zoe said, trying to be reasonable despite Bella's ranting, "Why don't you just ask to leave? You're not trapped here."

"Because," and for the first time Bella's face relaxed, taking on a dreamy expression, "I've seen _Roger Davies_. He's so…so…wow. No matter how bad it is here, I'm going to stick with it until I can really talk to him, maybe even date him…"

Zoe grinned, reminded of herself and her crush on Harry.

"I can understand that. I want to meet Harry Potter so badly…"

"Harry Potter?" Bella frowned. "He's not really that cute."

"Are you insane? Have you _seen_ the movie?"

"That's Daniel Radcliffe," Bella told her shortly, "Not the real thing."

"Well…whatever."

Zoe was flustered. Of course she knew Daniel Radcliffe wasn't Harry Potter – she wasn't an idiot. But she had always pictured them as looking at least similar. How could you do all the amazing things Harry did and not be at least somewhat drop-dead gorgeous? You couldn't. It was against all natural laws. Or at least…it was against all of _Zoe's_ natural laws.

"Do you want to have breakfast?" she asked Bella, suddenly remembering that she was hungry. "You know your way around, right?"

"I'll show you, but I'm not really hungry." The panicked look was back on her face. "You don't mind, do you?"

"No." Maybe Zoe could sit with…_sigh_…Harry.

It was a long, somewhat complicated route to get to the Great Hall. Zoe found herself wishing she'd brought along a notepad so she could write down the directions. Bella managed to lead them down without mishap, however, and deposited Zoe at the huge double doors.

"I'll be, um, in the library," Bella told her, her posture slumping as if she was trying to disappear, or at least take up as little space as possible. "Ask someone how to get there if you need me."

"I'll at least come up to talk to you," Zoe said brightly, her mood greatly improved by the prospect of food and canon character sightings. "I hope we can be friends."

"If I stick around, sure," Bella said hurriedly, and bolted as two older boys past and sent them cold glances. Zoe frowned after the boys and entered the Hall, gasping in awe at the sight of the high ceiling, which was deep blue and had large, puffy clouds rolling across it just like the sky she could see outside the windows. If the ceiling wasn't amazing enough, the sheer size of the room certainly was: it was _massive_. Zoe's whole house could have fit in there with plenty of room to spare.

She scanned the tables, looking for a familiar face so she could determine which belonged to which House. A girl with very bushy brown hair passed her, heading purposefully towards the table on the far right. Zoe grinned. She would have no trouble recognizing Hermione, that was for sure. She followed her, though she was a little disappointed when she sat down by an unremarkable, dark-haired boy and not…wait.

The boy on the other side of Hermione was gangly, had bright red hair, and his face was covered in freckles. The resemblance to Ginny was astonishing. It had to be Ron! So the other boy must be…

The boy in question lifted his head to say something to Hermione, and Zoe saw the round glasses, green eyes, and the scar on his forehead.

But…but…he was so NOT drop-dead gorgeous! He wasn't really unattractive, but he certainly wasn't the extremely cute boy she'd always imagined. He was so short, probably no taller than her! And scrawny – where was the lean, tanned, Quidditch-toned body?

"What the HELL?" she exclaimed aloud. The voices around her quieted and she found herself under the scrutiny of practically everyone in the Hall.

-

a/n: I'm sorry, this chapter was pretty slow, wasn't it? Once Zoe actually starts taking classes and all that (starts next chapter) things will begin to get a little more amusing. As I go on, there will be subtle references to clichés, Mary Sue-related and others, but nothing too preachy or cluttered, I promise – things like that tend to lose all semblance of a plot, and anyway, I don't want to really offend anyone. The whole point of this is fun, so don't take any of it too seriously. And I'm not going to be taking examples from any particular stories, so any resemblance is coincidental. Leave a review if you have a comment, question, or constructive criticism – I take it all. Thanks for reading!


	3. Lena Potter and the Potions Catastrophe

Meh, sorry for the delay. But I thought this chapter turned out all right – hopefully you'll think the same. I love all my reviewers, and a few of you I'm addressing here…

Lady Pyrefly: Heh, I'd make it that way if it's wasn't for the fact that Zoe's oddly-kempt hair makes it more apparent that her character's a Sue. My hair used to be curly, and it looked like a hedge in the mornings…(flinches at the memory)

sinj: Mostly I'll be making fun of the different kinds of Mary Sues, but there will probably be other BIG clichés mixed in there somewhere, mostly because Zoe assumes things (e.g. Harry being cute).

Xock: Funny you should ask that – there are many different inserts that show up, all an example of popular Mary Sue clichés. There's on in this chapter, as a matter of fact. And I'd love to hear your suggestions! The canon characters' dislike of the inserts is explained as the story goes on, so don't worry about that.

**And many, _many_ thanks to Windfox for spotting a horrible error! I said that Bella has a crush on Cedric, but, as Windfox was kind enough to point out, since this is the fifth book, Cedric is dead! I've gone back and changed Bella's romantic interest to Roger Davies, so no worries. **

I think that's it…and everyone else, you know I love you – I said so in my second sentence! If I don't address you, usually it's because you didn't ask a question. Anyway, enjoy the chapter!

Certifiably Frightening

_Lena Potter and the Potions Catastrophe_

Zoe felt her face heat up under the intense stares of almost one thousand people. She looked around, part of her brain shrieking for her to just bolt out of the Hall before she got murdered, but another part frantically trying to come up with a way to get out of this with a shred of dignity left. She was spared the toll of making a decision when a hand closed tightly around her upper arm and started dragging her backward.

"Come on," a shrill voice demanded, and Zoe twisted her head around and found that the person pulling at her was Bella, to the rescue. She started stumbling back with her, wondering vaguely what she was doing here and not en route to the library.

"I _told_ you they don't look like the actors," Bella said, the pitch of her voice lowering a little in exasperation. The relative silence was broken by a sarcastic drawl.

"Merlin's bathrobes," a boy with pale, pointed features said scathingly, shaking his head of slicked-back blonde hair. "Could the stupidity in here get any thicker?"

There were scattered approving chuckles, and Zoe squinted at the boy's face.

"That's not…" she started, but Bella hauled her out of the Hall before she could finish the sentence. Once safely in the entrance hall, the white-haired girl released her and asked, "What did you think you were doing? That was suicide, right there!"

"But…" Zoe tried to come up with an excuse, "I was just a little…surprised, that's all! Sheesh, I could've handled it!"

Whatever bravado she had was returning away from the harsh glares of the rest of Hogwarts' inhabitants. Bella shook her head disbelievingly.

"You were standing there like a deer caught in the headlights. You were two seconds away from a meltdown."

Zoe flushed again and bit her lip.

"He really did look totally different from what I was picturing," she said softly, more to herself than to Bella. The other girl nodded sympathetically.

"I know. I was something of Draco fan myself before I came, but…he's really not that cute either. It was kind of a letdown."

"So that _was_ him?" Zoe asked, glancing at the double doors. Bella nodded. Zoe wrinkled her nose. The real Draco Malfoy wasn't as good-looking as she'd been picturing, either. She hadn't expected for his face to be quite so…sharp. And he should really let his hair loose instead of slicking it back like that.

"Hey," she said suddenly, looking at Bella suspiciously, "What were you doing down in the Hall, anyway? I thought you were going to the library."

Bella flushed.

"Well…I decided I wanted a piece of toast, and…I kind of wanted to see Roger before we have to go to Potions first thing. Seeing him always cheers me up – he's _so_ handsome."

Her face was burning bright red by the end of her sentence. Zoe nodded, but her understanding look was soon replaced by one of horror when part of what Bella said registered.

"Wait…we have _Potions_ first class?"

Bella nodded miserably.

"Yes. And Snape is horrible, absolutely wicked. Don't make eye contact, and follow the directions to the letter, otherwise you're going to pay."

"Do we have it with the Slytherins?" she asked, already knowing the answer. Another nod, and Zoe's shoulders slumped, her stomach feeling oddly heavy. That was _just_ what she needed after a humiliating beginning like that. Snape had probably been there at the staff table and knew just how idiotic she had looked.

"Do you have your book with you?" Bella asked, and to Zoe's relief it was in her bag – she hadn't thought to check her schedule and gather her things, she had been too hungry and shaken up by the other girls' reactions to her to think of it. She could go get her Transfiguration book after this period.

"So don't make eye contact and pay attention to the instructions? Got it," Zoe said to remind herself, and Bella said warningly, "Yes, but Snape isn't really the worst part, even. You see, there's –"

But the rest of her words were drowned out by the noise of all the students pouring out the Great Hall and heading off to their classes, chattering loudly. Zoe stuck close on Bella's tail as she led the way to the dungeons, trying desperately to remember the route so she could eventually get there on her own. After the fifth confusing staircase and hallway combination she gave up and focused on not losing sight of Bella, although it wasn't hard – her hair was so long and bright that it was nearly impossible _not_ to see her.

They joined a group of students from both Slytherin and Gryffindor outside Snape's classroom, both Houses hugging opposite walls and watching each other warily. Bella stood a ways apart from the others, and Zoe followed her example. It didn't help much – people from both Houses were smirking at her.

The door to the classroom swung inwards, creaking ominously, and wordlessly the students began to file in. Zoe bumped into a Slytherin girl on her way in, and instantly regretted it.

"Scum!" the girl screeched, and whipped out her wand. Zoe shrank back against the opposite wall fearfully, but blinked when she took in the girl's eyes. They were large and startlingly green, just like Harry's. Her hair was long and black, and her skin was pale but completely unblemished.

_She must be an insert like me_, Zoe thought. Fellow insert or not, however, it didn't look as if she'd be wanting to get to know this girl, if the wand pointed directly between her eyes was anything to go by.

"How dare you touch me?" the girl shrieked, eyes blazing and flecks of spittle flying from her mouth. "How can you deem yourself worthy to look Lena Potter, only living relative of Harry Potter, adopted daughter of the Dark Lord _himself_, directly in the face!"

"_Lena_ Potter?" Zoe asked disbelievingly, and the girl's face took on a tragic expression behind the lunacy.

"We were cruelly separated at birth. I am the Girl Who Lived – see the scar?"

She parted her bangs to reveal a thin scar shaped like a lightning bolt before continuing. "I was taken in by Death Eaters who were awed at my power, even as an infant. Since the Dark Lord has returned, he has taken me in as his daughter!"

Zoe couldn't help but notice the blatant irony – if the Voldemort killed her and Harry's parents, why the hell would she want to be allied with him? But she couldn't get a word in edgewise, because the strange girl was still ranting.

"I have pledged my full allegiance to him! I bide my time here at Hogwarts, awaiting the moment when I can –"

Her tirade was cut off by a cold, silky voice that floated towards them from the doorway.

"As fascinating as hearing about this for the twelfth time is," Professor Snape said with a sneer, "You are disrupting the lesson, which has just begun. Both of you are late, and will receive detention."

His black eyes shifted to Zoe, who fidgeted uncomfortably under his harsh scrutiny.

"And ten points from Gryffindor for adding another idiot to the horde of them that I find myself forced to teach," he concluded icily before sweeping back into the classroom, robes billowing out behind him. Zoe mouthed disbelievingly after him, and 'Lena Potter' trudged into the classroom, looking sulky. Zoe followed, shock quickly being replaced by anger, and threw herself into the seat besides Bella, who was looking sympathetic. The rest of the Gryffindors looked peeved at the loss of ten points, and at the very beginning of the day, no less.

Zoe set up her cauldron and read the directions Snape left on the board carefully. Bella went to get the ingredients, and Zoe read the instructions again, partially because she wanted to get this absolutely right, and partly because she was having trouble reading Snape's spidery handwriting.

"Hey," she said softly when Bella returned, her arms full of jars and bags, "What's the seventh line say? I can't really read it."

"12 lacewing wings," Bella read aloud, and then to Zoe she said, "It helps if you squint a little."

Zoe obligingly peered more closely at the board. "Ah."

"I will now put you in pairs," Snape announced over the hum of conversation, and as they quieted Bella moaned, "Oh, no…I thought he was going to let us choose partners…"

Snape recited who would be working with who, pairing Slytherins and Gryffindors with a certain amount of malicious satisfaction at the students' disgruntled faces.

"Let's see…Zoe Walker and…Morgan Smithe."

"It's LENA POTTER!" the fangirl fairly screamed in frustration. Apparently this happened often, because no one even bothered rolling their eyes at the outburst. Even Snape only flashed half a sneer in her direction. Zoe clapped a hand to her forehead. She hated Snape – why would he pair her with that raving lunatic? Reluctantly Zoe gathered the ingredients she needed and trudged over to the other girl's table, noting that the other Slytherins were sitting as far away from her as possible.

"Great, I guess we're partners," Zoe muttered unenthusiastically. 'Lena' glowered at her and snapped, "Of _course_ we're partners, you imbecile! That's why he read off our names when he said he was putting us in pairs! Stupid Mudblood scum!"

"Hey, at least _I_ know my real name!" Zoe snarled back, not about to take this from a crazed insert with no real significance to the plot.

A few people were watching with a sort of detached amusement. The rest of the room was either ignoring them or rolling their eyes at both of them.

"Five points from Gryffindor," Snape announced from his desk, smirking at them.

"What?" Zoe burst out. "What about _her_?"

"I took the points from Gryffindor because you are foolish and immature enough to attempt to argue with her," Snape sneered. "Anyone else can see that it's no use. Typical Gryffindor stupidity."

He swept off to inspect the students' cauldrons, and Zoe muttered a few choice curses under her breath. 'Lena' brought the water to a boil, and in hostile silence they began adding ingredients according to the instructions. Zoe looked a few tables to her right and saw Bella feverishly stirring the contents of her cauldron while her canon Slytherin partner added ingredients, glaring at the insert all the while.

"What are you doing?" her lunatic partner asked sharply, drawing her attention back to the twelve lacewing wings she was holding.

"I'm about to add the seventh ingredient," Zoe responded shortly. "Got a problem?"

"Yes, if you're adding _those_, you stupid piece of filth. The seventh line _clearly_ states that you're supposed to add twelve lionfish quills."

She shook a jar of long, sickly green quills under Zoe's nose in emphasis. Zoe frowned and looked around.

"Then why is everyone _else_ using lacewing wings? Ever think of that? You just can't read Snape's handwriting. I'll ask him what it says and prove it to you."

She raised her hand, and Snape quirked an eyebrow at her.

"Professor, what does the seventh line say we're supposed to add?"

"Are you illiterate, Miss Walker?" Snape asked sarcastically. "I'm busy enough without having to read your directions for you."

Zoe slumped in her chair and scowled. Her partner picked up the argument where they'd left it off.

"Listen, you little worm, _who's_ the superior mind here? _Who's_ been here longer? _Who_ was taught the art of potions making by the Dark Lord himself?"

Zoe groaned and rolled her eyes as 'Lena' shouted "ME, that's who! I am LENA POTTER, master of all forms of magic! It says so in my fic!"

"Dumbledore said what we wrote doesn't affect our abilities here," Zoe countered. The other girl looked lost for words, a blissful moment that was shattered when the contents of their cauldron, left alone to long due to their argument, exploded in their faces, sending them sprawling backwards. When they stirred, they found they were covered in a foul-smelling substance that looked unsettlingly like mucus.

"Oh, _now_ look what you did!" Zoe cried angrily as they both started wiping off the slime. "You idiot! Taught by Voldemort my ass!"

"A further five points from Gryffindor for your ineptitude and language, Miss Walker," Snape drawled. As he swept away Zoe raised her eyebrows. Only five points? She'd been expecting fifty.

"I'd take off more," Snape said over his shoulder as though reading her mind, "But our dear Headmaster put a limit on the number of points I can deduct during one class. It appears you've used up the limit all on your own."

The rest of the Gryffindors were glaring at her, while the Slytherins looked amused. Zoe sighed and drew her knees up to her chin. Great, just great. She'd lost twenty points and failed an assignment, and first period wasn't even over yet.

"This is gonna be a bad day," she muttered.

After class Bella trotted over, pulling her wand out of her pocket.

"I'm sorry, Zoe," she said with a sad sigh. "The first day's always the hardest. Come on."

She led the way out of the classroom and up to the first landing before pointing her wand at Zoe and saying "_Scourgify_."

Some of the gunk, which was clumping together as it dried, disappeared. Bella frowned and repeated the spell, and more vanished. It took a total of eight times for Zoe to be completely clean and as they made their way up to the dormitory so Zoe could get her Transfiguration book Bella told her apologetically that she wasn't any great shakes with spells.

"Professor McGonagall told me yesterday that I don't have enough oomph when I say the incantations," she said, hanging her head. "But it's hard to put any force behind my words at all when everyone's glaring at me."

"Why is everyone so mean to you? Or to us, rather?" Zoe asked as they reached the Fat Lady's portrait. "Crimson banners."

They stepped through the portrait hole and made their way to their dormitory, and Bella said, "Because…I guess we annoy them. We don't belong here, we're always…you know…unnaturally pretty or whatever, and a few times some inserts really messed up the plot. It took a lot of work and spells to fix that."

"So they think we're dangerous and they're jealous of our looks?" Zoe asked as she checked her schedule and slid the appropriate books into her bag.

"Maybe not the second one so much – they think it's weird that we look like we do. But they hate it when an insert tries to start something with a cute canon character. Oh, shoot – we have to hurry."

They made their way to the Transfiguration classroom quickly, skidding into the room just before the bell rang. Professor McGonagall gave them a stern look over her square spectacles but didn't say anything. Zoe, in the interest of not losing any more points if she could help it, decided to keep her mouth shut for the duration of the class period.

McGonagall announced that they'd be turning porcupines into pincushions, and Bella nodded.

"I think that was in the fourth book," she whispered to Zoe.

"I haven't exactly read them all," Zoe whispered sheepishly, and Bella looked a little surprised. She didn't comment, thankfully, and Zoe listened as McGonagall told them the incantation and demonstrated the proper wand movement. The professor then directed the spell at the porcupine sitting in the stool beside her, which immediately changed into a perfect tartan pincushion. There was scattered, impressed applause, and then the room was filled with the sounds of people saying the spell. The professor walked through the aisles, watching their progress. Bella gulped and jabbed her wand at her porcupine, saying the spell shakily. The porcupine shuddered and its quills and fur took on a blue tinge. Seemingly angry at this change, the animal flicked its tail sharply, and Bella squealed as a few long, sharp quills sunk into her hand.

"Ow," she moaned miserably, and Zoe grabbed her arm and held it still.

"Should I pull them out?" she asked Bella hurriedly, but McGonagall came over before the sniffling girl could answer.

"Let me," the professor said with a slight sigh, and waved her wand. The quills extracted themselves from Bella's hand and robes and landed in a neat pile on the desk.

"You need to be firm when saying the spell," McGonagall chided. "If your voice shakes like that you won't see any results. Miss Walker, you try now."

Zoe bit her lip anxiously, her only relief being that no one was really looking at her, since everyone was still absorbed in trying out the spell.

"Okay," she said nervously, and jabbed her wand at the porcupine sharply, saying the spell as confidently as she could. In her story, Zephyra would have easily performed the spell, but all Zoe managed to do was make the creatures quills fall out. The porcupine did not look amused.

Neither, for that matter, did Professor McGonagall.

"That spell needs a lot of work," she said flatly. "But at least it won't be stabbing you."

She moved away to correct a dark-haired boy, who was jabbing his wand so determinedly at his porcupine that the creature was cowering in the corner of the desk.

"Not bad," Bella said, valiantly trying to be heartening. "Better than me, at least, and I've been here longer."

"No one's looking now," Zoe said encouragingly. "Try again – I bet you can do it."

Bella looked around worriedly, but gamely pointed her wand at the irate porcupine again and said the spell, this time with a bit more force, but she stuttered over the second syllable. The porcupine went completely blue and swelled up to the size of a beach ball. It started to ascend, floating lazily above the heads of the very amused students.

"No, no," the professor said with a sigh, and waved her wand. With a sound like air being released from a balloon, the porcupine deflated and shot back onto Bella's desk, where it spun around in a few circles before coming to a dizzy halt.

"Great," Bella moaned, and sunk lower in her chair. Zoe's porcupine chittered in a suspiciously mocking manner.


	4. The Princess of Pranks

Sorry about the delay – this chapter wouldn't cooperate. It's not a riotously funny one, either, but a new character is introduced, so that's good. There will be several examples of classic Mary Sues/Gary Stus (though there are fewer boy versions, as is the way in actual fanfiction) throughout the story, and I accept suggestions. I'll try to use most of the ideas, but if they don't work, please don't be offended.

**Xock**: Thanks for the idea – I've already figured out how I can work her in. She might not show up much, being in a different house than Zoe and all, but I'll try to mention her here and there. Cookies…gimme! (That wasn't very dignified, but…)

**Lady Pyrefly**: Heh, we've all been there…(thinks back to Inuyasha with a certain amount of guilt). Hmm. I have to avoid fandoms that have characters I'm obsessed with, otherwise who knows what crap I could upload. (winces)

**King Harold**: Ha, when I read that you thought I was Zoe I winced. I've read the books so many times my copies are worn down. I'm not offended or anything – don't get me wrong – but it was funny. Glad you like it, though, thanks!

Certifiably Frightening

_The Princess of Pranks_

"Ugh."

Zoe stumbled out of the Charms classroom, holding a pack of ice over one eye. Someone should have warned her that it was possible to put too much force into a spell – the plastic ball she had been attempting to summon had shot towards her too quickly for her to duck and had smacked her right in the eye. Professor Flitwick had been kind enough to conjure up some ice for her, but she was all too aware that she'd have a black eye the next day.

Bella walked beside her, wringing her hands and obviously trying to decide whether or not Zoe wanted reassurance.

"Well…at least that was the last class," she offered at length, and Zoe grunted in a very un-Zephyra-like fashion. Already she had realized that she was in no way like her character. She wasn't graceful, as made evident by the way she had gotten stuck in the trick stair after lunch. She wasn't a great athlete – she couldn't see how she'd continue going up these endless stairs for another week, much less the rest of the year. And she certainly wasn't ultra-gifted, since she couldn't even transfigure a porcupine into a pincushion.

It had been a most unsatisfactory day, very possibly the worst one of her life. And here she was in Hogwarts, of all places, where she would have expected life to be the best it could possibly be.

She shook her head – her curls were limp and coarse-looking by now, what with everything she'd been through so far – and followed Bella down a long corridor with several mirrors lining the walls.

"This is one of the routes to the North Tower, where we'll be taking Divination," Bella told her. "That'll come in handy tomorrow, won't it? We have that class together."

"Good," Zoe said with sincere relief. She would already be separated from Bella, her lone friend, when she went to Care of Magical Creatures (Bella had opted for the Study of Ancient Runes instead) and she wasn't looking forward to facing the canon characters alone.

"What's with the mirrors, anyway?" Zoe asked, a bit sick of seeing her reflection every other half-second, especially since several of the mirrors seemed to be like the ones she would find in a funhouse, distorting her likeness.

All of a sudden, she saw a flicker of movement in the corner of one of the mirrors. She blinked and looked up the corridor and turned around to look back in the way she came, Bella watching her in some confusion.

"Did you see something?" Zoe asked, and Bella shook her head, white hair swinging around in a wide arc. She looked a little concerned for Zoe's sanity, no doubt wondering if the trials of the day had succeeded in snapping her mind already. Zoe frowned and looked at the mirrors again…

There it was – the faintest flicker of silver in the corners of the triangular panels of the mirror to Zoe's right.

"Hello?" she called, her voice pathetically timid. "Who's there?"

Great – was this castle haunted on top of everything else? Granted, there were ghosts around, but they weren't the typical horror-movie types…excluding the Bloody Baron, that is. All she needed was to run into some malevolent spirit when all she wanted was some dinner before she crawled into a hole.

A soft giggle answered her tentative call, and Zoe blinked. Bella looked a bit frightened, and was backing away from the mirror nervously.

"Come out, already!" Zoe said, sounding braver than she actually felt. As it was, there was a faint tremor in her voice.

The mirror split into sections of triangles suddenly opened, the panels folding up from the center outwards, revealing the yawning opening of a tunnel. The giggles were suddenly louder, echoing a bit. Whoever was in there was obviously farther back.

But how much farther back…?

"That's it," Zoe growled, drawing her wand. It probably wouldn't do much, since she was proving to be rather inept when it came to spells, but she felt better having it out. Maybe she'd get lucky if she had to defend herself. At the moment, she didn't care all that much – she was sick of being laughed at, no matter who was doing the laughing.

As if reading her thoughts, the mysterious person – thing – laughed again, and Zoe hoisted herself up into the tunnel. The entrance was fairly spacious, but was only wide enough for one person once you ventured in a little farther.

"Zoe," Bella called, her voice high-pitched from her anxiety, "Don't do that – you don't know what it is!"

"Do you remember anything dangerous lurking behind a mirror in the fifth book?" Zoe asked.

"Well, no, but…"

"Well, then. Lumos!'

Predictably, the spell proved ineffective. Zoe growled loudly in frustration, and the giggles started up again, higher-pitched and more mocking now. They were assaulting both Zoe's ears and sanity, and she charged forward into the darkness, letting the sound of laughter guide her.

It wasn't, admittedly, the smartest thing to do, but there you go.

"Zoe!"

She chose to ignore Bella's stricken cry and kept pressing onward through the narrow passageway, holding a hand out in front of her in case there was a corner or dead end up ahead. Her breathing echoed loudly in the tunnel, and it took her a minute to realize that she could only hear it so clearly because the laughing had stopped.

"D'Arvit!" she swore, pleased despite her frustration that she had managed to remember the curse from the _Artemis Fowl_ books. Then it registered how stupid she was to have plunged blindly into the tunnel after a stupid _voice_. Especially as stupid voice that could very well be disembodied. Anything was possible in this place. What if Bella had forgotten about a disembodied voice behind a mirror? It might have been mentioned in passing. If only she had read the books!

She shook her head and decided that she might as well follow the tunnel until she came to a corner, just to see how far back it went. It would give her time to prepare for when she had to go back out to Bella looking like the idiot she was.

She pressed onward, going slower now that her fury-induced adrenaline had faded. She kept a hand out in front of her still, not about to crash into a wall on top of everything else.

Minutes passed, and still the tunnel seemed to have no intention of ending. She could hear her breathing, but it sounded different than it had before, somehow…

Her shoulders suddenly brushed against something hard and rough. She shrieked loudly, the sound filling her ears and making her head pound. She clamped her eyes shut, waiting for whatever it was to clamp down on her.

And waited.

She cracked one eye open – not that it did much, since it was as black as sin in the stupid tunnel – and experimentally swung one arm out to the side. It hit the side of the passage, and Zoe sighed, feeling both relieved and dumber than ever at the same time. The tunnel must have been narrowing out as she went back, and now it was skinny enough so that her shoulders touched the sides.

_It must end in a point_, Zoe decided. She should probably turn and go back now – there was nothing else to be found here.

Or…

Or she could see how far back she could go. What if it widened out again?

This was probably even more ridiculous than charging into the dark tunnel in the first place, but the smarter voice in her head was still comatose, as it had been for the majority of her existence. So, without a more intelligent entity to steer her away, she turned sideways and began inching her way back into the ever-narrowing space.

Soon she could feel the stone walls against both her chest and her back, and she stretched an arm out to see if she could feel the end of the passage. She couldn't, so she squeezed in a little farther, hand scraping against the walls, which were mere inches apart. Eventually she couldn't even move her hand, so she withdrew it and prepared to edge out of the tunnel.

Wishful thinking, for all at once she felt herself being shoved roughly forwards, and to her horror she found herself firmly wedged in between the walls. She cried out and struggled, but she couldn't wiggle out of the space.

This was just bloody perfect.

The infuriating voice had started laughing again in earnest, and Zoe lashed out with her free arm furiously. To her surprise – she hadn't expected anything to go right – she made forceful contact with a face that felt very human. They immediately stopped laughing and a young girl's voice whined, "Hey, that hurt! You meanie."

"Why'd you push me?" Zoe snapped, groping blindly and managing to grasp the girl's hair and thus keeping her from running away.

"Leggo!" the girl squealed, and tried unsuccessfully to loosen Zoe's grip.

"Help get me out, first," Zoe growled, and the girl sighed in disappointment.

"Fine, fine." Her voice was sulky.

With a sharp jerk and a slightly painful scrape against the walls, Zoe was free. For such a young-sounding girl, she was pretty strong. Zoe massaged her side with her free hand, transferring her grip from the girl's hair to her arm.

"Let's go," she said gruffly, and awkwardly pushed the protesting girl in front of her towards the entrance of the tunnel. Once she could see thanks to the light pouring in from the corridor, Zoe released the girl, who jumped down from the tunnel entrance easily. Zoe followed swiftly and took hold of the girl, who was preparing to bolt – again.

"Hang on," she said with a frown, and studied her captive.

The first thing that jumped out at her was the kid's startling resemblance to Ginny. Her hair was a fiery red and hung in tangly waves down her back, and her face was freckled. The only difference was that the girl's eyes were an electric blue rather than brown. Right now she was visibly pouting, disappointed in the failure of her trick.

"Was she the one laughing?" Bella asked, looking relieved at Zoe's return. "What happened in there? You've been gone for almost ten minutes, and I heard you scream twice."

Zoe decided against mentioning that Bella could have always come in after her, if she was worried. She didn't feel like insulting the only friend she had.

"Who are you, anyway?" Zoe asked the girl. The kid stood up straighter and planted her free hand on her hip.

"My name's Tansy Weasley," she announced, self-importance pouring off her in waves. "But people call me the Princess of Pranks. I'm pretty much famous around here."

She looked up at the two older girls smugly, and Bella shrugged.

"Never heard of you."

Tansy looked annoyed.

"You're another insert, right?" Zoe asked to break the sudden tension.

"What? No way. My author just put the story on hiatus, so I'm stuck here."

"_Oh_," Bella said, her tone one of dawning comprehension. "I get it. You're a Mary Sue, just not an insert. You don't see many of those."

"What am I, a type of car?" Tansy asked irritably.

"Wait," Zoe said with a frown. "If she's not an actual person, like from the real world…does she have all her powers?"

"Darn right I do," Tansy said proudly. "I can do all kinds of things. Watch – this is how I got behind you even though the tunnel was so skinny."

She turned so that Bella and Zoe could only see her from the side, and screwed up her face. Quite suddenly, Zoe couldn't see her anymore.

"What!"

"No, look," Bella said, and pointed at the mirrors on the walls. Tansy was still there, looking oddly…

"Flat?"

"Yep," Tansy said cheerfully, and sprung back to her natural shape. "Unless you look really hard, you can't see me from certain angles when I do that."

"It's like Elastigirl from _The Incredibles_," Zoe said, impressed in spite of herself.

"I'm also a Metamorphmagus," Tansy piped up, obviously enjoying being the center of attention. She screwed up her face again and suddenly her hair was blonde and curly and her eyes were a deep blue like Zoe's. She looked like a miniature Zephyra.

"Man," Zoe said enviously as Tansy switched back to her regular features. "I wish I had all the powers I gave my character."

"I don't know about that," Bella said. "Then we'd just be even more annoying to the canon characters. I'm glad I'm not in her position."

Tansy blew a raspberry in Bella's direction.

"You're just jealous," she said scornfully. "I'm having a lot more fun than you are because of my gifts. Who cares if people think I'm annoying? I can do whatever I want. I don't even have to go to classes, because once my story gets picked up again I'll be right back on track."

Zoe was still extremely confused as to how all of that worked. Bella said that characters sometimes came close to messing up the plot, so wouldn't Tansy's mayhem change the books?

She asked Bella the question, and the white-haired girl shrugged.

"That's only if the author was attempting to rewrite the books," she explained, as if it made perfect sense. Zoe shook her head, as confused as ever.

"Whatever," she said at length. "I'm starving and we're late to dinner. Let's go."

She turned to Tansy. "You coming?"

"Duh. I'm hungry too – if you hadn't come along and provided some fun I would've gone down by now."

Bella looked unhappy at the prospect of having Tansy accompany them to the Great Hall. The younger girl skipped a few feet ahead of them, and turned a cartwheel once or twice.

"She's such a showoff," Bella said, her tone colder than Zoe had ever heard it. Her amber eyes were shooting daggers at the younger girl, who was blithely ignoring her perfectly audible comments.

"I don't know," Zoe said lightly, not wanting to offend either of them. "She's friendlier than that stupid 'Lena Potter', at least."

"You dare defile my name with you Mudblood tongue?"

Zoe groaned loudly at the all-too-familiar voice and insults. She, Bella, and Tansy turned around to face the crazed insert, who had her wand out and was scowling fiercely at the group.

"So!" she screeched at Zoe. "I see you've managed to find some comrades. No matter – it should be fairly easily to kill you all. Stupid scum."

"Oh, please," Tansy said and rolled her eyes dramatically. "You probably can't even shoot sparks out of that wand."

She hopped in front of Zoe and Bella and planted her hands on her hips, proceeding to make several irritating faces at 'Lena'. "Try me, why don't you?"

"Filth!" the insert howled, and jabbed her wand at Tansy. There was a small flash of light, and a few flowers dropped to the ground a few feet in front of Lena, who looked livid.

"Whoo – _scary_," Tansy taunted. "I think I almost felt a breeze."

"Never mind that," Lena snapped, stowing her wand away in her robes. "I'll throttle you with my bare hands!"

Zoe sighed as the dark-haired girl lunged forward, fingers curled so that they resembled claws. Zoe didn't expect Tansy to flatten herself out as she had done earlier, and so was thoroughly unprepared when Lena shot past the younger girl and collided with her instead.

Both girls were sent sprawling onto the ground, Zoe's already sore body complaining at the unwanted contact with the stone floor. Her irritation at the impact was soon replaced with concern at her suddenly depleting supply of oxygen: Lena apparently didn't care which one of them she strangled, and so had her hands wrapped around Zoe's neck.

"Let go of me!" Zoe yelled. Actually, it came out as a faint wheeze thanks to the pressure on her air pipe, but hopefully Lena got the gist of it.

If she did, it didn't make much of a difference, as she continued to strangle Zoe. Zoe was vaguely aware of Bella and Tansy shouting things and attempting to pull Lena off, but it wasn't until she discerned McGonagall's angry voice cutting through the confusion that the pressure on her throat was lifted and air shot back into her lungs. Spots swam in front of her eyes as she rolled onto her side, taking in huge gulps of air.

"_What_ did you think you were doing?' the professor's irate voice penetrated the fog that hung over her mind. Once she could see and breathe properly she sat up and found a livid McGonagall glaring daggers at Lena, who looked a little nervous under the insanity. Still, the glint that meant she was about to fly into a rant about Mudbloods, scum, and her own history entered her eyes, and her mouth opened. Apparently McGonagall was acquainted with this particular eye-glint, because she waved a hand to cut the girl off before she could speak.

"Never mind. Detention, Ms. Smithe, to take place tomorrow in my classroom immediately after dinner."

The professor cast a glance at the rest of them. Tansy, who had used her Metamorphmagus skills to become a mini-Lena and was making lunatic faces, immediately snapped back to her normal features and folded her hands behind her back. McGonagall sent her a warning look but didn't comment, and after determining that Zoe had suffered no lasting damage she swept off down the corridor.

After a moment, the dark-haired insert recovered enough to scream after the professor, "My name is LENA POTTER!"

"Oh, stuff it already," Zoe said irritably, and 'Lena' stomped away, muttering Unforgivable Curses under her breath. This resulted in her pocket catching on fire once she was halfway down the hallway, and her incensed shouts followed Zoe, Bella, and Tansy all the way down to the Great Hall.


	5. Meet Your Destiny

So sorry for the wait! I've been really busy. Hopefully the chapter makes up for it a bit. And right now I have some responses.

_Contrarian_: Hey, thanks! That was a lot of praise. Glad you like it! And thanks also for recommending my story in your profile! I was excited to see that you had.

_fire-and-ice89_: Thank you! No, Zoe isn't really supposed to be attracting sympathy, just laughs at the ridiculous things she does and assumes. She'll get smarter as she gains experience in the magical world and will lose the attitude, so no worries! As for how many inserts there are, just think of how many Mary-Sue/insert fics are out there. There are a fair amount of inserts in this story because I'm giving examples of all kinds of Sues. And there should be a Gary Stu or two in there eventually, just for some variety. It turns out the story's a lot more entertaining with a lot of clueless people running around rather than just a couple.

_Lady Pyrefly_: Whoops – sorry! I'm not a stalker, I swear. (shifty eyes) Heh. But really, that is a funny coincidence. And yes, I think I've switched my penname once for every chapter so far. But I'm sticking with this one: it was my first and I still like it the best. (knock wood)

_SkatKat_: And here she is! Hope you like what I did with her!

_Windfox_: I read it and loved it! Thanks for suggesting it.

_Everyone Else_: I love you all! Thanks for all the positive comments!

**Credit goes out to SkatKat for her character idea. The insert you meet in this chapter is her creation, so kudos to her! **

Disclaimer: Recognizable characters are not mine. Unrecognizable ones are. It's simple concept, people.

Certifiably Frightening

_Meet Your Destiny_

Zoe and Bella had both waited until the dormitory had cleared out to do anything besides dress. Bella was apparently not at her most amiable in the morning, especially when brushing her hair. Although it didn't tangle much, being the hair of an insert and all, it was still a chore to brush, apparently. The amber-eyed girl was growing frustrated with it as she laboriously pulled the brush through it.

"It's too thick," she said, her voiced strained with irritation. "I was so stupid, putting a character like this in my story. If I ever get out of here and can write again, my next character is going to have short, normal hair."

"I'm not sure I _want_ to write again," Zoe muttered, who had given up on trying to fluff and brush her still limp curls a while ago and had tied them back in a ponytail. "Not if it means I'll be dumped on my butt in a castle every time I boot up my computer.

"By the way," she said, suddenly curious about something, "What did you look like before you came here?"

Bella flushed. "Um…I was a little shorter, had dark hair, brown eyes, and was kind of…"

"Kind of…?" Zoe prompted.

"Overweight, I guess," the girl finished in a small voice. Zoe lifted a shoulder.

"That's not a big deal."

"It kind of is," Bella said softly. "At least, for me it is, anyway. People would make fun of me, you know? That's why I made my character so pretty. She's how I wanted to look."

Bella spread her arms sadly, glancing down at the slender figure of her character. Zoe felt a surge of shame. Here Bella had been writing about a beautiful girl to escape her own unwanted reality, and Zoe just wanted her character to snag Harry more easily by being gorgeous? That was kind of pathetic.

"Hey," Bella said, sounding a little surprised, and Zoe glanced up.

"What?"

"…Nothing. I think it's just a trick of the light."

"No, what is it?" Zoe's fingers flicked up the bruise that now surrounded her eye. Had it turned green or something?

"Your hair suddenly looked a little bit darker is all. Not much, but a little bit."

Zoe pulled some of her hair around in front of her face and squinted at it. She wasn't sure, but maybe it wasn't quite as pale yellow as she remembered it being. Still, who knew? She could hardly think straight what with the events of the past day. She shrugged.

"Yeah, maybe. I don't know."

"So what did you look like?" Bella asked after a pause, her voice falsely bright.

"My hair was a lot shorter, kind of dirty blonde, and my eyes were a lighter blue," she said. "I wasn't as skinny, either," she added, patting her hips and tossing a half-smile in Bella's direction. The other girl returned it weakly.

"I wonder, though," Zoe mused out loud, "If I had made my character look exactly like me, would I still have been brought here?"

"If you gave her a bunch of powers and stuff, probably," Bella said. Zoe sighed.

"If I went to Dumbledore and I told him that I wanted to leave, do you think he would let me? He got us here with a spell – couldn't he send us back the same way?" Bella shook her head.

"No, I already tried that. He says that we can only go back once we've learned what we need to know."

"Great," Zoe said unhappily, dropping back onto her bed. "I never thought that I would want to leave Hogwarts if I ever got a chance to go, but…everything is just so much different than I pictured. I never thought the classes would be so hard, or that Harry would be so…"

"Ordinary?"

She nodded sadly. Bella patted her shoulder reassuringly, her own troubles apparently forgotten in the face of Zoe's consternation.

"But you know, I'm glad you came," the white-haired girl said. "Yesterday was one of my better days, since I actually had someone nice to talk to. Of course…it probably wasn't a great experience for you, was it?"

"Hey," Zoe said with a shrug, "It was definitely more interesting than my usual life. I'd never get spattered with potion at my regular school. I – oh, no."

"What is it?" Bella asked anxiously at Zoe's horrified expression.

"I can't believe I haven't thought of it until now – my parents must be worried sick!" She jumped to her feet. "It's been about four days since I came here, and I haven't called or anything…!"

"Called?" Bella said with a small laugh. "You won't be able to get in touch with them here. They're not even in this world, remember?"

Zoe jumped to her feet and started for the door.

"I've got to go see Dumbledore," she said, darting down the staircase. "I'll _make_ him let me go home!"

She shot into the common room with Bella on her heels, banging the painting of the Fat Lady away from the portrait hole and sprinting down the corridor to an indignant, "Now, _really_!" from the flustered woman.

"Zoe!" Bella shouted, having fallen behind her.

"What?" she called, not bothering to turn around.

"You're going the wrong way! Dumbledore's office is in the other direction!"

She skidded to a halt. In the other – that really figured. She jogged back to Bella, who looked like she was trying very hard not to be amused by the situation.

"Come on," she said in a slightly choked voice. "I'll show you the way."

A few minutes and a lot of hallways later, they were standing in front of a large stone gargoyle.

"We have to say the password," Bella said softly. "Just let me think for a minute, and see if I can remember what it is…"

She bit her lip and was silent for a minute, finally shaking her head and sighing. "Just name as many magical candies as you can think of."

"…Um…"

Zoe was having trouble thinking of any. Tentatively she asked, "Let's see…Chocolate Frog?"

Nothing. The gargoyle remained immobile.

"Fizzing Whisbee," tried Bella, but still it refused to move.

"Er…oh! Lemon Drop," Zoe said excitedly, but with no result.

"Sugar Quill."

"This is ridiculous," Zoe muttered, wracking her brain. Bella twisted her lip and said, "I don' know if this will work, since I think it was in the third book, but, Cockroach Cluster…?"

The gargoyle twitched, then hopped aside. Zoe grinned widely at her friend and held up a hand, which Bella slapped with a smile of her own. They stepped onto the staircase, which carried them upwards until they reached a polished door. Zoe swallowed nervously, but knocked. The door swung open and the two girls stepped inside hesitantly.

"Ah! Miss Walker and Miss Lyons. What can I do for you?"

"_Please_ sir," Bella jumped in before Zoe could say anything. "You have to let us leave. Zoe's parents are going to be worried and we're both having such a hard time…"

Dumbledore was smiling sagely, looking at them over his half-moon glasses.

"There is no need to be concerned about your families," he said calmly. "You forget that you're in a different world. Time doesn't run at the same rate here. Believe me, by the time that you've learned all you need to in order to be sent home, maybe a few minutes or so would have passed in your world, at the most."

"But…why can't we leave now?" Zoe asked in a small voice. "No offense, sir, but things here are the pits."

The headmaster laughed merrily.

"It only seems that way because you're still new," he said. "It will become easier as you learn more. You'll still be prepared to leave, but you won't be begging to go. And now…I believe the two of you are expected at the North Tower?"

"Oh," Bella said, checking her watch. "Divination. I forgot all about it."

A few minutes later they were trudging in the direction of the North Tower, going up a seemingly endless spiraling staircase.

"Geez," Zoe groaned as they reached yet another landing, "This is ridiculous. All this magic and they can't even make something like an escalator?"

Once they reached the top of the staircase, Zoe followed Bella up the ladder and through the trapdoor. As soon as she poked her head in the humid, circular room, she sneezed violently. The fumes were overpowering, and her head started swimming. Gagging slightly and sneezing again, she let Bella steer her over to one of the round tables and push her down on a cushy chair. She blinked to clear her eyes, which had been watering, and peered around the room while sniffing pathetically. There were a relative few students here, most of whom looked like they were about to either fall asleep or pass out. For once the two inserts weren't getting any hostile stares, but that was the only good thing about being in this room. A misty voice drifted through the ruddy haze.

"Welcome, my dears. My inner Eye informed me that I would be granted a new–"

"Ah-CHOO!"

"…Student to enlighten," Professor Trelawney finished lamely, her mystical tone faltering a little and looking bewildered by the interruption. Zoe fished around in her pocket for a handkerchief, blowing her nose loudly and blinking tears out of her eyes. The fumes were really getting to her – she felt like every allergy she'd ever had (and there were quite a few: dog hair, pollen, peanuts, cat hair, and wasp stings, for instance) was combined into one huge assault on her sinuses.

"Today," the professor continued on stoically, "We will be examining the–"

"WAH-CHOO!"

"…The, er…"

Students were breaking out of their dazes and giggling now, nudging each other as the Divination teacher blinked at Zoe from behind her huge spectacles. Zoe shrugged in apology, wiping her nose with her handkerchief and struggling not to choke. Bella was looking at her in concern, herself unaffected. Suddenly a new voice, even more dreamy than Trelawney's, reached Zoe's ears.

"My own, stronger Sight is informing me that Miss Walker is having an allergic reaction to the perfume in the air."

Amid a sudden chorus of groans, Zoe squinted – the fumes seemed to be having the effect of heat, as her vision was wavering – and she saw a tall, willowy girl standing and looking over at her reproachfully. Her hair was silver and flowed down her back in soft waves, her pale skin was (unsurprisingly) clear and smooth, and her eyes were…

"Purple?" Zoe muttered, shaking her throbbing head and instantly regretting it when she had to grip the table in front of her to stop the room from spinning. She sneezed again, and sharp needles of pain shot through every inch of her skull.

"Zoe, do you need to see Madame Pomfrey?" Bella asked worriedly.

"Yeah," Zoe said, feeling suddenly nauseous. "I think I'd better."

"Ah," Trelawney said sorrowfully. "I neglected to mention that my Inner Eye also told me you would have an aversion to the mind-opening atmosphere here. This is a sign of great suffering to come."

Zoe ignored her and got to her feet, desperate to get out of the tower.

"Wait," the silver-haired girl said, and glided over to where she was standing, clinging onto Bella's shoulder while her knees shook and threatened to buckle. "…I am sensing…that…wisps of fear and resentment hang about your person. They cloud your aura and threaten to choke you in darkness."

"What are you _talking_ about?" Zoe asked irritably as her stomach took another nauseating turn. "Wait, what's your name?"

"I am…Destiny," the girl said, her amethyst eyes widening and her voice dropping to a whisper.

"Okay. Shut up, Destiny," Zoe snapped, and with Bella's help staggered towards the trapdoor as the snorts and giggles of the other students pierced the thick air. She banged it shut after her, more out of lack of remaining coordination than irritation. Climbing down the ladder, she slipped on the fifth rung and fell the rest of the way – luckily for her it wasn't that far a drop. She lay on the floor for a minute, grateful for every breath of clean, cool air that filled her lungs. After a minute or so, her head had stopped pounding and she didn't feel like she was about to throw up everything that she'd ever eaten in her life. Suddenly she was faced with another problem.

There was no way she could go back into that room, but she couldn't make it back to her dormitory without Bella for a guide. And she didn't want to just sit here for the rest of the hour. What was she supposed to do now?

"Hey! Zoe!"

She snapped her head up and saw Tansy, her copper hair short and layered today, jogging towards her from the top of the stairs.

"Tansy!" Zoe exclaimed, surprised but pleased to see the younger girl. "What are you doing up here?"

"Skipping Charms," Tansy answered promptly. "I already know everything about what we're learning today."

She tapped the side of her head and grinned, "I have to remember to thank my author one of these days. I know enough to be in sixth year, so I never have to go to class unless she puts me there in her writing."

"Huh." Zoe still was confused about the whole concept of self-insertion and Mary Sues. But every time Bella tried to explain it, she only got more befuddled. Maybe once she figured that out, she'd be able to go home.

"Hey, Tansy," she said suddenly, "Since you're not an insert, exactly, does that mean you'll be here forever?"

The young girl's expression turned serious, the sparkle in her vivid blue eyes fading a bit.

"I'll be here as long as my story is incomplete," she said solemnly, "But once it's finished, unless there's a sequel, I'll just…vanish. Gone as if I'd never been. The canon characters won't remember a thing about me."

"That's terrible!" Zoe gasped. "Aren't you afraid that your author will start writing again?"

"Nah," Tansy said, her cheerful air returning. "She was never swift with the updates even when she _was_ writing, and she gets kind of long-winded. My story's only two chapters long as it is – it won't be finished for a long, long time."

"But what if your story's deleted?"

Tansy shrugged.

"I don't think it will be. She leaves her stuff up even if she never wants to come back to it again, just so she can keep her reviews."

"Oh. That's lucky."

"Yeah, I guess. Say, what are you doing here anyway? Don't you have class?"

"I'm allergic to the room," Zoe said sheepishly. "I couldn't stop sneezing and I felt like my head was going to explode."

"Too bad. But everyone says Trelawney's a crackpot anyway."

Somewhere in the distance a bell rang, clanging loudly and echoing through the corridors. The trapdoor swung open and the two girls moved out of the way as the dazed students began to clamber down the ladder. Bella was one of the last to exit, looking half-asleep.

"Oh, you're still here?" she asked when she caught sight of Zoe. When her gaze landed on Tansy, her mouth tightened a bit in annoyance. The younger girl tossed a cheeky grin in her direction and said, "I might as well go to Herbology – it's the only subject I really like. See you guys around."

She hopped on the banister of the spiral staircase and slid swiftly out of view, whooping enthusiastically.

"She's such an exhibitionist," Bella said with a frown.

"I kind of feel sorry for her, though," Zoe said. "She told me that once her story's finished, she'll just disappear."

Bella's expression softened.

"That's how it works," she said. "I've seen non-inserts just fade into thin air before, and as soon as they're gone the canon characters don't remember a thing. It kind of shows how little we're really missed, even if in our stories the canon characters mourn our departure."

"Your journey can only end in darkness," a misty voice said seriously from behind them. "Soon you will fall into the shadowed depths of despair."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Zoe snapped irritably, swinging around to glare at Destiny. "You're as bad as Trelawney."

"I hope your chosen path doesn't leave you broken!" the girl cried woefully, and disappeared down the spiral staircase.

"She doesn't know what she's talking about," Bella said. "She just likes to sound dramatic – she's been here for a week and everyone is already fed up with her."

"Yeah, well some people really should disappear," Zoe muttered irritably. "What have we got next?"

"Defense Against the Dark Arts," Bella said with a groan. "And we have Umbridge."

"Who?"

"I forgot, you haven't read the fifth book. But trust me, you're not going to like this," Bella said darkly, and Zoe sighed in resignation as they started down the stairs. Whatever she needed to know, she'd better figure it out soon before she went absolutely insane.


	6. Lunatics, Hybrids, and Very Ugly Doilies

That crackling sound you hear? That would be Hell freezing over. Yes, after an inexcusably long wait, it's a new chapter! I'm very sorry for the delay – I hope you'll forgive me. Basically, a bunch of other story ideas, computer trouble, and writer's block all distracted me in their turns. But I did my best to get past it all, although I can't help but feel that this chapter isn't the greatest. I hope you guys like it, though.

_Disclaimer_: The Harry Potter characters are the property of J.K. Rowling.

Certifiably Frightening  
_Lunatics, Hybrids, and Really Ugly Doilies _

Zoe's abdomen was churning with foreboding as they neared the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. Seemingly unwilling to dishearten Zoe any more than was absolutely necessary, Bella hadn't said anything else about this Umbridge woman on the way to the room. But the white-haired girl's mouth was tight and her feet were actually dragging in her reluctance to get to this class. It only served to make Zoe even more anxious. What was Umbridge like? A dragon of a woman, tall and fierce and who despised inserts like the students? The teachers (with the exception of Snape) had so far been civil to her, treating her like everyone else. What if Umbridge was horrible to inserts and the rest of the staff decided to follow her example? What would she do then?

Wait. Snape. Oh, God – he had given her detention with Lena. How could she have forgotten that? She was going to be forced to spend an evening in the company of a lunatic and a bat-human hybrid.

"Are you all right?" Bella asked her, looking concerned. "You've gone really pale."

"I just remembered…Lena and I have detention with Snape. When do I even have to go? He never told me."

Bella looked sympathetic, an expression she used so much around Zoe it was surprising her face didn't freeze that way.

"I'd forgotten that too. Don't worry – I'm sure it won't be that bad. If anything, Lena will provide some entertainment…if you don't respond to anything she says, that is. And he'll send you a note with the time of the detention."

"Oh. Okay."

She forced a smile to her face for Bella's sake, because the other girl still looked as if she'd rather face a rabid manticore than go to the upcoming class.

"There it is," Bella said, nodding towards a short line of students, all of whom seemed as unhappy to be there as Bella. As they approached the line, the door swung open, and Zoe gulped deeply. The way the students filed in wordlessly reminded her of Snape's class. Was Umbridge the female equivalent of Snape?

When she entered the room and saw Umbridge at last, she could have laughed hysterically at that last thought. If anything, this woman was the polar opposite of the Potions Master: short, plump, and with a face that reminded Zoe of a toad's. She wore a truly hideous pink cardigan over her robes, with a matching, equally hideous Alice band in her hair. Zoe could feel a smirk tugging at her lips, which she quickly disguised as a warm smile when Umbridge looked her way.

"Oh, a new student!" the professor said, a sweet smile plastering itself across her face, and Zoe was startled by how high-pitched and girlish the woman's voice was. It was the last sound she had expected to come out of Umbridge's mouth, right after a horse's neigh. She suppressed a wince as Umbridge tittered and looked her over quickly, taking in her long curls and strangely smooth skin, no doubt. Sure enough, Zoe caught a glimmer of contempt in the woman's eyes.

"Take your seats. Books out, wands away," Umbridge announced to the class in general, and Zoe grabbed a seat near the back, Bella sinking down into the chair next to her.

"Ugh," Zoe said softly as she and Bella bent to get their copies of _Defensive Magical Theory_ out of their bags.

"I know," Bella whispered. "And that's not even the worst part – this class is even duller than Binn's."

Yesterday Zoe had spent the most boring hour of her life listening to the ghostly professor drone on about goblin riots. Could anything possibly be more uninteresting than that? She had nearly slipped into a coma! Bella must have noticed her skepticism, because she muttered, "You'll see," out of the corner of her mouth as Umbridge tapped the chalkboard at the front of the room with a ridiculously short wand. Instructions appeared on its surface – they were reading Chapter 6 today. Zoe turned to the appropriate page in her book, groaning inwardly at the tiny print. She looked ahead to see where the chapter ended, dismayed at its length. With a barely-concealed sigh, she turned back to the beginning of the chapter, rested her chin on one hand, and began to read.

Fifteen minutes into the lesson she was about to fall asleep. Not only was the print miniscule, but the author had the driest style imaginable. Zoe found herself reading sentences over and over again without taking in one word, so determined was her mind to think about something more exciting. Her eyes slid left to Bella, who was blinking rapidly in an attempt to stay awake, head drooping. The fuzzy silence in the classroom, broken only by the sound of pages turning (some with a deliberate force, maybe in hope of provoking Umbridge into saying something and breaking the monotony) was having a soporific effect on everyone. Two boys sitting at the table to Zoe's right even had their heads on their books, obviously taking advantage of the pillow-like pages. One of them was even snoring lightly, glasses askew.

Zoe caught sight of Ginny leaning back in her chair and twirling a quill between her fingers, staring at the ceiling. After a moment the redhead yawned, stretching like a cat, and reluctantly directed her attention at her book again.

If the room had been interesting in the slightest, Zoe might not have nodded off. But every surface that wasn't a desk was covered in the ugliest doilies she had ever seen her life. Vases of dried flowers sat upon these doilies, and floral patterns were everywhere available. It hurt Zoe's eyes to look at these for too long; they were of the most lurid quality she'd ever seen. In order to save her retinas from irreparable damage, Zoe had forced herself to look at the textbook, so falling asleep was really inevitable, something that should have been expected of everyone.

Apparently Umbridge thought otherwise, because a sharp rapping near her head caused Zoe's eyes to shoot open, only to find the stubby tip of Umbridge's wand hitting the desk inches from her nose. She sat up sharply, wiping the thin trail of drool that had been creeping down her face away, and looked sheepishly at Umbridge. There was no trace of that sickly-sweet smile on the woman's face now, but something closer to repulsion.

"Miss Walker, I regret to inform you that dropping into this castle in the middle of the term does not give you airs above everyone else. Falling asleep in the middle of class is inexcusable."

Zoe's eyes drifted pointedly at the two boys to her right, who were both snoring now, and loudly at that. Umbridge's remark stung – she wasn't putting on airs! If anything, she was doing all she could _not_ to act that way, and she told Umbridge this, perhaps more sharply than was prudent. The professor's eyes bulged, her resemblance to a toad increasing tenfold.

"Five points from Gryffindor for an appalling display of insolence," Umbridge declared in that abhorrent, high-pitched voice that Zoe now despised above even Snape's sarcastic drawl. "Speak to me in that disrespectful tone again and you'll have earned a detention."

Unwilling to get two detentions in the same week, Zoe kept her mouth closed, although she glared heatedly at Umbridge's back when the woman turned away. It was a small comfort that no one was sneering or looking disgustedly at her for losing more points, but that was probably because a) they all hated Umbridge more than her, or b) they were too bored and tired to muster up the energy and not because they disliked her any less.

Zoe had never been more grateful to hear the bell ring, and practically dove out the door and into the corridor, striding away as quickly as she could towards the Charms classroom. Bella caught up with her halfway there and said, "She's got remarkable nerve – those other two boys were snoring loudly enough to rattle the windowpanes and she singled you out instead."

"Well, we all know _why_, don't we?" Zoe snapped as she stomped into the room, slamming her bag down on the table loudly enough to startle Professor Flitwick into falling off the stack of cushions behind his desk. He landed with a squeak, and Bella hurried over to help him up.

"Thank you, Miss Lyons," the professor said once he had climbed up onto the cushions again, straightening his hat.

"Sorry, Professor," Zoe muttered, embarrassed, as the rest of the students started to enter.

"No harm done," the tiny man said over the loud chatter, and set off a few small fireworks to bring some order back into the room. He proceeded to announce that they would be making goblets perform cartwheels.

"And it's quite difficult the first time around, as you'll be applying some of what you learned in Transfiguration to animate the goblets as well as using some complicated wand movements."

"Wonderful," Zoe moaned to herself, and pulled out her wand. At least she wouldn't be falling asleep again.

-

Bella had cause for excitement as she and Zoe headed towards the Great Hall for lunch: she had succeeded in making her goblet perform a clumsy cartwheel. It had taken four attempts. The first two times she had shakily said the incantation the goblet had only twitched, but the third time it had flipped upside-down, and by the fourth time she managed to make it right itself again.

"Maybe I'm finally getting the hang of this," she was saying to Zoe, who, although her goblet had only combusted, looked enthusiastic on Bella's behalf. The pale-haired insert appreciated this immensely: it would have taken all the joy out of the experience if Zoe had been sulky. Her new friend was, at least, mindful of her feelings, unlike most of the people Bella encountered in the real world.

"I bet you are," Zoe told her. "You did as well as anyone else."

It was, to some extent, true – Zoe wasn't the only one who had gotten extra homework as the result of some accident. None of the mishaps involving canon characters, though, had been as dramatic as Zoe's explosion.

"This exam might actually be easier for me," Bella thought aloud. She had taken three exams since arriving in the world of Harry Potter, and she had managed to fail all three of them spectacularly. Bella regretted bringing up exams when she caught sight of the expression on Zoe's face – the girl seemed to have forgotten about the possibility of being tested.

"And if _I_ can do it," Bella said hurriedly, trying to erase the doom-and-gloom look on Zoe's face, "You'll be able to with no problem. It's already obvious you've got a better grip on things than me – remember the porcupine?"

Zoe's smile was small but sincere.

"Yeah," she said, her voice just the tiniest bit too bright. "And if I don't get the hang of it before exams, maybe I'll get some credit for providing entertainment. Assuming it's a practical exam."

Bella giggled, which seemed to lift Zoe's spirits. Bella glanced at her friend again to see a large, masculine hand stretch out towards her curtain of blonde hair.

"Uh, Zoe," she began nervously.

The hand tapped Zoe politely on the shoulder. Zoe turned to look at him, surprise evident in her face – canon characters hardly spoke to inserts unless they were making snide comments, and they _never_ approached an obvious insert like Zoe or Bella. The white-haired girl kept her eyes on the floor, immediately too intimidated to look up at whoever it was.

"Professor Snape told me to give you this," said an older male voice – a _familiar_ older male voice. Bella's eyes snapped up and focused on the boy. It was him – Roger Davies. Oh, my.

"Er, thanks," Zoe said, cautiously taking the scroll he was offering.

Roger was painfully good-looking, Bella thought absently. His hair was medium-length, dark and wavy, and his eyes were a penetrating blue to match his Quidditch robes – he played for Ravenclaw. The only thing that kept him from looking like an insert was the spot on the left side of his nose.

"No problem," Roger said, smiling crookedly (_gorgeously_, Bella corrected with an inward sigh of delight), and walked ahead of them into the Great Hall. Bella released the breath she had been holding. She had wanted his eyes to fall on her…and also hoped and prayed that they wouldn't. Love must make you contradict yourself.

Zoe was unrolling the scroll he had given her, and sighed heavily once she had scanned the one-line message scrawled on it.

"I have detention at eight o' clock tonight, right after dinner," Zoe informed her. "I bet he'll make me do something disgusting just so I throw up. And then he'll give me another detention for messing up his floor."

Bella dragged her eyes away from Roger, who was now taking a seat with some guy friends and – she realized with a pang of intense envy – Cho Chang. The pretty, Asian girl brushed a strand of shiny, dark hair behind one ear and laughed at something Roger said. Bella could practically feel herself turning green. …Metaphorically, of course.

"Oh…" she said, what Zoe had said just beginning to register. "Oh. No, no – I'm sure he would rather have a clean floor than the fleeting amusement caused by you vomiting."

"Maybe." Zoe shrugged. "I was half-kidding, anyway."

Bella let out a breath of laughter. She would not look over at the Ravenclaw table. She would not she would not she would not. Not when Zoe was so obviously depressed.

"Still," she said, keeping her tone light, "You might want to make sure you don't eat anything heavy at dinner. Just in case. How long will the detention last?"

"He didn't say," Zoe said with a frown as she scanned the parchment again. "Great. If he thinks he's keeping me in the dungeons disemboweling toads or whatever until midnight, he's got another think coming."

"That's the spirit," Bella said encouragingly. An explosion from further down the Gryffindor table caught both of their attention. A sandy-haired boy with a bemused expression and his wand raised blinked ash out of his eyes, his face covered with soot. Zoe and Bella turned around the other way at the sound of snickering. Draco Malfoy, followed by Pansy Parkinson, Crabbe, and Goyle, was smirking at the spectacle that was Seamus.

"I'd tell the idiot that there's an anti-alcohol charm in this place," Draco muttered to his followers just loudly enough for Zoe and Bella to hear, "…But that just never stops being funny."

-

At seven-forty in the evening, Zoe had abandoned an anxious-looking Bella in the Great Hall and was headed towards the dungeons, the knot in the pit of her stomach tightening with every step forward.

"You're sure you remember the directions?" Bella had asked her for the seventh time as she got up to go.

"Go left and down the main staircase three floors, then down the first hallway. Cough at the tapestry at the very end of the corridor and take the stairs that appear all the way to the bottom, and the classroom as at the end of the short passageway," Zoe had repeated dutifully. Why the founders had to make the castle so damn complicated was absolutely beyond Zoe.

After she had hacked sufficiently at the tapestry, it shimmered and disappeared, revealing a narrow stone staircase. A draft blew the strands of hair hanging in front of her face back. The temperature dropped with every step downwards. By the time she reached the second landing, her teeth were chattering and her skin was blue-tinged and covered with goosebumps. Drawing her robes more tightly around her shivering body, she started down the third flight.

The sound of somebody coughing for all they were worth echoed off the stone walls, and a minute later the sound of someone stomping down the stairs muttering to themselves reached Zoe's ears. The curly-haired insert suppressed a groan – that could only be Lena the Lunatic.

Suddenly the hypothermia that had been threatening to take hold of her and cause her to freeze on the steps decided to stalk someone else, and Zoe darted down the stairs with renewed energy. Anything to put more space between her and Lena. It was too bad that every centimeter she put between her and the unstable insert brought her closer to Snape and the Detention from Hell.

She hustled down the short corridor at the foot of the stairs and knocked hesitantly on the door. She could hear Lena's stomps behind her, and therefore darted into the room before the door had even finished swinging open with an ominous creak.

"Eager, are we, Miss Walker?" Snape said, stepping out of a shadowy corner and fixing her with a derisive sneer. Zoe had to wonder exactly how long he had been standing in that corner, waiting to step out dramatically. She had to force herself to keep a straight face at the thought.

With a bang, the door opened again and Lena stalked in, looking half-crazed and furious as usual. Zoe edged away from the glowering girl, but bumped into the corner of one of the desks, causing it to rattle loudly and nearly fall over. She steadied it, inwardly bracing herself for the slew of insults sure to come her way from professor and peer. She wasn't disappointed.

"Do attempt to put on at least a semblance of coordination," the Potions Master snapped, although the effect of his words was undermined by Lena bellowing, "Clumsy Mudblood _filth_, can't you go five minutes without nearly destroying everything in sight?"

"Sorry, sir. Shut up, _Morgan_," Zoe said, glaring heatedly at Lena.

"That will do," Snape drawled, holding up a hand lazily to cut off Lena, who had opened her mouth with an angry flash in her eyes, no doubt prepared to scream the name of her character at the top of her lungs. Zoe smirked at her behind the professor's back as he whipped around – robes sweeping dramatically behind him – and strode towards the front of the room. Lena snarled and drew a line furiously across her throat.

"The two of you," Snape barked from the front of the classroom, "Will be preparing ingredients for a No-Dreams Sleeping Potion. You will do your jobs to perfection or suffer further loss of points and another detention. Am I clear?"

"Yes, sir," both of the girls muttered.

"Then begin," he snapped, waving his wand at the supply cabinets, the doors of which sprung open. "Follow the directions in the book on my desk. I will return momentarily."

With that, he strode out of the room. Zoe turned to Lena.

"Why don't I read off the supplies we'll need, and you get them out of the cabinet?"

"You dare speak to me as if I am your slave, swine?"

Fed up, Zoe drew her wand and jabbed it threateningly at Lena.

"You'd better let up on the insults – I might not be able to make you turn a cartwheel with this charm, but I _can_ make you explode," Zoe growled, and was granted the satisfaction of seeing Lena pale slightly.

"Fine," the dark-haired girl snapped. "But I'll be the one reading off the list of supplies."

"All right," Zoe said, stepping around her and heading towards the cabinets. "You wouldn't be able to tell the difference between lacewing wings and lionfish quills anyway."

By the time Snape returned, Lena had attempted to jinx Zoe from behind four times. The first three times nothing happened except for a sound like a balloon being deflated or Peeves blowing a particularly violent raspberry, but the fourth time Lena had very nearly succeeded in hitting Zoe with a Stinging Hex. A spot on the wall a centimeter above where Zoe's head had been had a small scorch mark on it as proof. Zoe in her turn had chucked a plastic bottle of disgusting, slimy green worms at Lena's head. The insert had ducked, and the bottle had bounced harmlessly away.

When Snape stepped into the room, however, the two of them were the picture of cooperation, with Zoe peaceably slicing up a root, imagining Lena's head in place of it, and Lena quietly grinding the shell of a scarab beetle to dust with a mortar and pestle, no doubt with similar mental imagery. Snape observed their progress and sniffed in a derisive manner, but didn't comment. Zoe assumed that meant they were performing satisfactorily.

Nine o' clock came and went. Zoe abandoned her carefully sliced root and began draining the juice out of the seeds in a black, twisted pod. Lena began working on another ingredient as well. If not for Snape's presence a few feet away, the two of them would no doubt had been criticizing the other's work mercilessly. As it was, the two worked together in hostile silence.

A few minutes after ten o' clock, Zoe fixed a stopper in the bottle of armadillo bile she had carefully measured out from a larger jug. The bottle was immediately snatched from her grip by Snape, who for two hours hadn't commented except to sneer at the meager amount of juice Zoe had produced from her seeds and bark at Lena, who had nearly dropped the jug of armadillo bile when she was getting it out of the cabinet.

"Clear up your mess," Snape said, setting the bottle of yellow liquid on his desk, "And then you're both free to go."

The two complied. Once out of the room, Zoe loitered at the bottom of the stairs, waiting for Lena to get farther ahead. She was relieved that the detention hadn't been as bad as she had expected – at least the presence of Snape, as unpleasant as it was, had prevented Lena from being as irritating as she was possible of being.

Zoe started up the stairs, Lena's footsteps having faded. She retraced her route, and managed to get up to the Entrance Hall without getting lost. She checked her watch. Since it wasn't midnight, as she had suspected it might be by the time Snape released her, she might start that Herbology essay. Lord knew she needed to do as well as she possibly could on the homework to make up for the horrible exam grades she was likely to get.

She had just started for the main staircase when a low rumble reverberated through the area. It seemed to have no source, and did not die away. Rather, it grew in strength. Just when it reached the point where Zoe had to clap her hands over her ears, unable to stand the volume, a bright flash of light momentarily blinded her. It was accompanied by a loud, long yell of fear. The light died away suddenly, as did the rumbling sound. Zoe blinked, trying to recover her vision. A loud, painful-sounding crash and the gasping of someone trying to recover their breath made her redouble her efforts.

A moment later she could make out a dark blotch on the floor across the hall. Zoe abandoned the staircase and hurried towards it, her vision returning to her more quickly now, the spots before her eyes fading. It was now clear that the splotch was a person, a person with their back to her and who was groaning in pain.

"Are you okay?" Zoe asked in concern, and received a moan in response.

"Guess not," she muttered, and placed a hand on his – for the person was boy, she had discovered: a teenage boy in jeans, ratty trainers, and with brown hair that brushed the collar of his black T-shirt – shoulder so she could turn him over.

"Here, I'm going to roll you onto your back," she said, and pulled his body towards her. He was breathing a bit more easily now, and focused on her face. He brushed his hair away from his face, eyes locking on hers, and she gasped aloud. He wore wire-rimmed glasses, but the eyes behind them were beautifully shaped, honey-colored, and intense. Even after his fall his hair hung perfectly, the strands in front swinging back from where he had pushed them away to hang in front of those amazing eyes in a very becoming way. His nose was perfectly shaped, as was his face…and his mouth. Zoe dragged her eyes away from that particular feature and met his eyes again.

"Who…who are you?" she asked.

The boy adjusted his glasses, which had been hanging somewhat crookedly due to his fall, and answered, "Remus Lupin."

-

a/n: Hopefully that will stir things up. I can't believe I had the audacity to end this chapter with a cliffhanger after I made you guys wait so long. But it just seemed like a good spot to stop. Maybe you'll be able to guess what the (slightly, er, modified) teenage version of Remus Lupin is doing falling from the sky? (Part of the reason would be he's a favorite character of mine, of course…_I mean_…oh, look: a dust bunny.)

If you can bring yourself to do so after such a horrible delay, review please! Constructive criticism is welcome, as always.


	7. Midnight Meetings and Stupid Plots

Certifiably Frightening  
_Midnight_ _Meetings and Stupid Plots_

"Remus Lupin?" Zoe repeated, her brow furrowing slightly. The name sounded familiar to her, though she couldn't place it.

"Yes," Remus said, wincing as he attempted to get to his feet. Zoe shot out a hand to help him up, her nerves tingling pleasantly when the handsome boy grasped her wrist.

_Remus Lupin…where have I heard that name before?_

"Thanks a lot," he said, giving her a gorgeous smile and releasing her wrist once he had steadied himself.

_With that face, who cares?_

"So, um," she blurted out, suddenly afraid to stand in silence in case he left. "How…how did you come to drop in?"

She winced in embarrassment at the stupid pun, but Remus smiled. The smile melted away as he considered her question, a look of confusion stealing over his face as he did so.

"I can't really remember," he replied at last, looking surprised. "I know it was the summer holidays – I mean, I'm not wearing the school robes – and…I was with my friends. I think Prongs had a Time Turner for some reason, though I can't really remember why. I don't know how he would have come by one – they're kept in the Ministry of Magic, and are only given out with special permission. Come to think of it, I don't know how all of us were even together: we live all over England and we usually only communicate by owl over the summer. None of this makes sense – it's like a really badly-written story."

He frowned, pondering this apparent oddity. Zoe, although she had been a little lost (Remus seemed to have been talking to himself more than to her), was struck by his last sentence.

_A badly-written story…_

Also, the word "Prongs" was jogging her memory for some reason as well. As Remus pondered the mystery of the events that had led to his arrival, Zoe strained her mind trying to figure out why her memory was twitching like a nearly-dead fish.

Oh! She slapped her forehead suddenly as the pieces fell into place. Remus looked at her bemusedly, tipping his head to the side, but even that breathtaking sight didn't distract Zoe. Remus Lupin was a teacher at Hogwarts! She remembered that from the movie. No wonder she hadn't gotten it straight off – the actor playing Remus Lupin certainly wasn't as amazing-looking as the boy standing before her.

_Boy_…Zoe frowned. In the movie, Remus Lupin was an adult. Why, then, was a teenager standing with her and not a man? Zoe had her suspicions: someone this perfect had to be the product of some unknown author's imagination. After all, Roger Davies was certainly nicer to look at than the average student at Hogwarts, but it was obvious that he was a normal person…as far as fictional characters went. The question, therefore, was this: was the boy standing before her an insert like Zoe and Bella, or was he like Tansy, a non-insert who could have all kinds of powers?

"Who's Prongs?" she asked suddenly, as she still couldn't recall where she had heard that name.

"One of my best friends," Remus answered. "His real name is James – Prongs is just a nickname we gave him since…well," he broke off abruptly, looking uncomfortable. Zoe waved it away; she remembered who Prongs was now: Harry's dad. From what she had gleaned from the movie _Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban_ (which wasn't much, as she was normally much too busy staring at the more attractive male actors), Harry's dad could transform into an animal. There was a name for that…but she couldn't remember that, either. Surprise.

Remus coughed politely, drawing her attention away from her thoughts and back to him. "Listen, would you mind going with me to see Dumbledore?" he asked. "He might have an idea as to what's going on, but he'll probably think I'm a lunatic if I tell him I fell into the castle from nowhere I can remember."

"Sure," Zoe agreed. "Er…do you know the way?"

Remus nodded and the two of them set off in the direction of the headmaster's office. Zoe glanced around nervously in case Filch or his cat were hanging around – her wandering the school at night with a boy couldn't possibly look good.

"Do you know the password?" Remus asked as they approached the stone gargoyle that guarded the way to Dumbledore's office.

"Cockroach Cluster," Zoe said, and the gargoyle sprang to the side. The two of them stepped onto the moving staircase and started the slow ascent.

"So you really can't remember how you got here?" Zoe asked, just to be sure. If he couldn't, it probably meant he was the same kind of character as Tansy, since Zoe could remember very clearly how she came to be at Hogwarts. Being sucked into your computer and dropped into the castle was hard to forget.

"No," Remus said, his brow furrowing again as he strained his mind. "I don't know why. I can remember what was going on before, as nonsensical as things were, and I remember suddenly falling into the entrance hall, but nothing in between the two. I'm glad you were there," he said suddenly, smiling at her. "I probably would have had a panic attack if no one else was around."

Zoe felt the heat rising to her face and looked down.

"It's lucky," she managed to say, "I had just gotten out of detention."

"Detention? That's too bad. What for?"

"Er, arguing with my partner in Potions and letting our potion explode," she said, suddenly embarrassed. What if he thought she was too stupid for words, not even able to keep a potion under control? But Remus made a face and said sympathetically, "That's hardly fair. People mess up their potions all the time. Worm – Peter once melted his cauldron and a section of the floor."

Zoe laughed in mixed relief and amusement. "No kidding?"

Remus laughed with her. "The rest of us were in fits. Of course we had points taken away because of it, but still, it was hilarious."

The staircase suddenly came to a halt, and Zoe looked up and saw that they had reached the door of Dumbledore's office.

"I hope he's here," Zoe said, suddenly realizing that it was well after midnight. "It's really late."

But as they approached to knock, they heard the headmaster speaking to someone. Zoe and Remus frowned at each other, confused, and pressed their ears against the wooden surface of the door to listen in.

"…And the new girl makes six in the past two weeks. There have never been so many here at the same time."

"Professor McGonagall?" Zoe mouthed to Remus questioningly. He nodded, shrugged, and they turned their attention back to eavesdropping.

"I agree, Minerva," Dumbledore said, his voice grave. "It is most irregular. But what do you think it signifies?"

"I had hoped you would be able to answer that," McGonagall responded, sounding tense. "It can't mean anything good, Albus. You know what kind of things can happen when there are too many in one place. They're harmless enough if there's one, maybe two, but once they form groups…"

The Transfiguration professor's voice trailed off ominously.

"You do recall what happened last year," she continued after a moment. "If we hadn't acted so quickly the results could have been catastrophic."

"I know," Dumbledore said thoughtfully. "However, so far there is only one who could be truly dangerous, as the others will probably be gone in a matter of weeks. Would you like a lemon drop?"

"Really, Albus," McGonagall said, sounding exasperated. "This is hardly the time for–"

Although Zoe was perfectly content to stay and listen the rest of the conversation, Remus seemed to decide that they'd heard enough; he knocked on the door and the voices quieted instantly.

"Enter," Dumbledore's voice rang out pleasantly, as though it was the middle of the afternoon rather than the middle of the night. Remus pushed the door open and walked in, Zoe right behind him. With the adults' words still in mind, she watched McGonagall interestedly, and sure enough there was a flicker of something close to panic in the professor's eyes as she took in Remus's appearance. McGonagall seemed to feel Zoe's gaze and looked over, composing herself in the split second before she met Zoe's eyes.

Meanwhile, Remus had been explaining what had happened to Dumbledore, whom Zoe realized with a start was wearing a fuzzy yellow dressing gown that matched the color of the lemon drops in a crystal jar on his desk. She had to stifle her amused reaction.

"There's no need to worry," the headmaster was reassuring Remus kindly. "I assure you that this kind of thing is quite ordinary as of late. You will remain with the sixth-year Gryffindors and continue your classes normally. I'm sure you'll have no trouble settling back into a normal routine."

"Thank you, sir."

"So Miss Walker found you," Professor McGonagall said, apparently having been listening to every word although her gaze had been on Zoe. "What were you doing out so late?"

This question was directed at Zoe, who said, "Er, I had just gotten out of detention with S – Professor Snape. I was headed across the entrance hall and he kind of…fell in."

McGonagall seemed to accept the story, and Dumbledore said, "If there are no other problems, you two should be off to bed so you're alert for your classes tomorrow. Slow reflexes could be dangerous," he added, eyes twinkling.

"No kidding," Zoe agreed, fingering her left eye, which was still bruised due to her Summoning accident in Charms. Dumbledore smiled at her and Remus thanked him once more before turning to leave. Zoe followed, and as she turned to close the door she saw that the headmaster's smile had faded and he and McGonagall were exchanging dark looks. Zoe shut the door and followed Remus down the stairs, which were now moving down.

"This shouldn't be a problem, then," Remus said, sounding like he was trying to convince himself as much as Zoe. "I'm sure I'll figure out what happened soon, and in the meanwhile I still remember all the stuff I've learned in classes so far."

"Yes, I'm sure you'll be fine," Zoe said faintly, her thoughts still on the conversation between McGonagall and Dumbledore. "Remus, what do you think they were talking about before we went in?"

"I have no clue," Remus confessed, and stifled a yawn. He didn't seem worried at all. Zoe, however, couldn't shake the feeling that the two adults were talking about something related to _them_.

_Six in the last two weeks_…_only one that could be truly dangerous_…what did that mean? She should probably discuss it with Bella in the morning; she'd have some insights. With this decision made, Zoe realized for the first time that she was exhausted. She gave the password to the Fat Lady once they reached the portrait hole, and after saying goodnight to Remus headed towards the doorway that would lead to her dormitory. She could almost feel the mattress…

"Zoe?"

She turned at the sound of Remus's voice. "Yeah?"

"Just…er…thanks again for helping me out," Remus said. Was it the dying firelight, or was he blushing? Zoe smiled, pleased by this possibility.

"Anytime. Well, not that you'll be falling into the entrance hall again, but you know…"

"Yeah." Remus grinned back. "I'll see you at breakfast tomorrow."

"Okay. 'Night."

"Good night."

Zoe's smile widened as she went up the stairs, thinking that Remus dropping in was the best thing that had happened since she came to Hogwarts. She changed quickly into pajamas and sank gratefully onto her bed, drawing the hangings closed to block out the bright moonlight streaming in through the window. Full moon…

Something wasn't right about that, Zoe realized, but her mind was already sinking into a dream. The troubled feeling carried over into her sleep, and she was plagued with vaguely disturbing dreams until morning.

-

Zoe overslept the next morning; all of the canon characters were gone by the time she wrenched open her hangings in a fit of panic. Bella's hangings were drawn, and Zoe heard the rustling of clothing behind them. Bella was very self-conscious about changing clothes in front of any of the other girls – even when she and Zoe were alone, the pale-haired insert never emerged from behind the curtains on her bed until she was fully dressed. Zoe changed swiftly into her uniform and jerked her robes on, dragging her fingers through her hair all the while (which did nothing but throw it into further disarray).

Zoe was tugging a brush through it hopelessly when Bella emerged from behind her hangings. Zoe immediately froze in place, her brush halfway through a section of her hair. She stared at Bella's sheepish-looking reflection in the mirror.

"Your hair," she said, unable to come up with something more articulate. Bella's long, thick, white hair now stopped at her chin, was much thinner, and dark brown. Bella fingered it, looking self-conscious but pleased all the same. "Ginny did it when I asked her. I got so sick of struggling with it every day. It looks much more normal now, doesn't it?"

Bella's expression was eager. Zoe nodded dumbly, still shocked by the change. Her friend's features were still painfully pretty, but she looked much more...well, human…now that her most distinguishing feature was gone. An unexpected sensation of being abandoned swept through Zoe; she felt like she would stand out twice as much as she already did without Bella drawing half of the negative attention away from her.

She was just starting to sink into a satisfying state of self-pity when Bella said, "I'm sure Ginny would change your hair too, if you wanted."

"Oh!" Zoe started and fingered a long lock of hair. She remembered that she had been thrilled when she first discovered that she had these curls, but by now she would have traded them for her old hair in an instant. "You think she would?"

"I don't see why not – she was happy enough to do it for me," Bella said encouragingly. "The other girls even sat with me in the common room. We all went over Transfiguration notes."

"Yeah," Zoe nodded, the thought seeming more appealing by the second. Not being treated with derision by the canon characters would improve life around Hogwarts considerably. "I like this idea. I'll ask her in Charms."

"If we don't go now, we're going to be late!" Bella gasped, checking her watch, and the two girls sprinted out of the dormitory.

-

"Well?"

Zoe turned her head from one side to another, marveling at how much lighter her head felt with all that hair gone. Her hair was now only vaguely wavy rather than curled and stopped just below her shoulders. Bella clapped her hands, grinning widely. "It's great, Zoe!"

"Yeah, it didn't turn out too bad," Emily agreed, studying Zoe's hair critically. "It looks a lot better now."

"Thanks. Ginny, you're too sweet," Zoe said, smiling warmly at the redhead, who grinned back and shrugged.

"It's not a big deal," she said nonchalantly. "Should we go down to the common room now? I want to finish our Potions homework."

"Snape's a git," Emily said with a shake of her head. "Let's go."

Zoe was extremely pleased when Emily turned to her and Bella and asked if they were coming.

"In a minute," Zoe said, and glanced at Bella, trying to convey that she wanted to discuss something. She hadn't yet gotten the chance to tell her friend about the conversation she and Remus had overheard, although she had explained briefly how he had dropped into the castle after he had come up to them between classes. She got a fluttery feeling in her stomach thinking about it…but she pushed it to the back of her mind as Bella caught the hint and hung back as the other girls left.

"What's the matter, Zoe?" she asked, looking worried.

"Um, nothing really. I just wanted to tell you something that happened after detention yesterday."

And Zoe launched into as detailed a retelling of what she had heard as possible. Bella's eyes darkened as she listened, and when Zoe finished she said, "It sounds like they were discussing us. The inserts."

"That's what I thought, too," Zoe said nervously. "And they think that we're dangerous. Or at least, that one of us is dangerous." Zoe frowned as she recalled this particular detail. "Who do you think they were talking about there?"

"I don't know," Bella murmured, sinking down onto the edge of one of the beds. "And now Remus has come too. McGonagall actually looked _scared_?"

"Not scared, really," Zoe explained. "More like…alarmed."

"Hmm. Maybe we should talk to Remus about it," Bella suggested. "He might have some insights."

"Yesterday he didn't seem to think much of it," Zoe told her. "And besides, I don't think he really gets what's going on – you know, that he's not really Remus Lupin."

"That's very strange," Bella pointed out. "After all, Tansy knows that she's part of someone else's story."

"He couldn't seem to remember much of anything. I wonder why not."

"It might have something to do with the fact that he's someone's interpretation of a canon character…" Bella shook her head, looking frustrated. "I just don't know. I don't even understand how all of this works."

Silence descended between them. Finally Zoe said, "Well, I don't think we're going to figure anything out without more to go on, but I certainly am not going to sit around knowing that something serious involves me but I'm being kept in the dark about it. We're going to figure out what's going on."

"I seriously doubt Dumbledore or McGonagall would tell you what was going on, Zoe."

"I don't mean ask them. I mean keep our ears open for more discussions like that one."

"You're not saying we should spy on the professors!"

"Not spy, exactly," Zoe said. "It'll be more like passing by at a very convenient time."

Bella buried her face in her hands. "Zoe…you just might be crazy. What are you going to do, hide in the staff room wardrobe and wait until you hear something interesting?"

Zoe brightened. "Good idea."

Bella sighed and murmured, "I meant that as a joke."

"But not safe enough," Zoe continued thoughtfully. "They might open the wardrobe and see me. Ah – I know."

The color drained out of Bella's face. "You'd better not be thinking what I think you are."

"I'm just going to borrow it," Zoe said hastily. "One night, maybe two, and then I'll never touch it again."

"How do you expect to get your hands on it?" Bella whispered fiercely, sliding off the edge of the bed and looking around suddenly as if worried that someone might be listening.

"I'll…say I need to go to the Hospital Wing during one of our classes and sneak back up here then," Zoe said decisively. "Last class, that way I won't miss much."

"What if he needs it?"

"You're the one who's read the book. Will he?"

"I don't…well…no. But Zoe!" for Zoe had smirked triumphantly. "Think about it for two seconds. You can't possibly steal _Harry Potter's_ Invisibility Cloak!"

"Why not? Don't you want to know what's going on?"

"Yes, but not that much!"

"Liar."

The two girls stared at each other for a minute as if trying to force the other to back down with sheer will. Finally Bella sighed and looked away.

"All right, I am curious," she said softly. "It _does_ sound like something bad is on the brink of happening. Maybe…" Bella drew a deep breath and went on reluctantly, "Maybe you should try to find out what it is and we'll prevent it if we can."

"That's the spirit," Zoe said enthusiastically. "So. We'll start our observations tomorrow night."

"…We?"

"Obviously," Zoe snorted. "I'm not hiding out in the staff room alone. Both of us can fit under the Cloak – don't Harry, Ron, and Hermione do it all the time?"

"Yes, but…" Bella must have seen in Zoe's face that she had no intention of backing down, for she relented. "Fine. But only a couple nights, all right? I want to leave, yes, but that doesn't mean I want to get expelled."

"That'll work," Zoe said. "And I'll even get the Cloak on my own," she added, knowing Bella would refuse to participate in thievery. Hopefully if they overheard something else, Bella would at least be curious enough to want to continue on eavesdropping. And eventually Remus might want to get in on it. He had to have a bit of troublemaker in him, right? Hopefully.

"Let's go down to the common room," Bella said, grabbing her books. "If we're going to be spying after school, I want to get our homework done ahead of time."

As the two headed for the door, Zoe suddenly stopped. For no reason at all she had remembered that Dumbledore had been wearing a dressing gown, and she had just realized…

"Zoe? What is it?"

"Bella," Zoe said matter-of-factly. "Dumbledore and McGonagall were both in their nightclothes."

The two girls looked at each other, mild disgust and amusement descending upon them both as the implications of that sank in. They burst into hysterical giggling and descended the stairs.

-

Author's Note: Because AD/MM is COOL, damn it.

This chapter has been sitting on my computer for ages, but I kept putting off posting it because, frankly, I don't really like it. I rewrote it a couple times, but with no real improvement. The best I can say for it is that it moves things along in its own clumsy way. The next chapter should be more interesting: Zoe has to rob Harry, Bella and Zoe will be involved in low-class espionage, etc. Excuse the delay (but it was mostly for a good reason this time: I was trying to make the chapter the best it could be!), and review if you're feeling kind. Thanks.


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